I've decided to post on my experience since writing about it is helpful. I will continue to post my regular postings in between though, which may make for a weird rhythm in my writing. If you don't like it, you know how to scroll.
Rob and I waited excitedly at the doctor’s office, holding hands, anxious to hear our baby’s heartbeat. I could see his excitement in the way his legs wiggled ever so slightly.
The nurse called my name and we headed back. Everyone whispered almost seeming confused about why I was there.
Nervously she said, “You’re here for…?”
“I’m pregnant.” I said with eyebrows raised.
Why would they be so quiet about this when if you show up with a bladder infection or the runs, they’re like, “SO YOU”RE HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE CROTCH ROT RIGHT?” or "SO WHERE IS THIS BOIL WE'RE LANCING TODAY?" Weird.
She led us to a room, I smiled, Rob and I held hands, and waited for the doctor. She came in and smiled back, congratulating us. We chatted about the activities that I prolly shouldn’t be doing but wanted to anyway like skiing and playing soccer and going down water slides. She smiled kindly and told me to listen to my body. She gave me a due date, November 24th, and said I was almost 12 weeks. The safe time when people tell. Then we went for the exam.
She felt around on my lower abdomen, then got the Doppler machine to listen to the baby’s heart.
Here comes the excitement. We both grinned excitedly as she felt around. And felt around. And felt around. Nothing.
I began to be disappointed, but not worried. I thought we just wouldn’t get to hear anything until the next appointment.
My doctor then went on to do the icky gyno stuff we all know and love, (yay stirrups) or blissfully pretend not to know about (depending if you’re a guy or girl.)
She got a concerned look as she pressed in uncomfortable ways and said my uterus wasn’t the size she’d expect for 12 weeks. She tilted my uterus and tried the Doppler again. She still couldn’t find the heartbeat.
So she wrote us a prescription for an ultrasound and set up an appointment for later that afternoon. I could tell by what she said and the look on her face that the baby was probably not ok. But I still couldn’t believe it.
I mean, I’d had NO sign of any problems. My breasts were sore and growing the same way. I’d had no pains or bleeding of any kind. I hadn’t had any bad feelings about this at all. I was 12 weeks, this was when it was supposed to be fine! But she'd said the word miscarriage and it wasn't going stop lingering just because there was a chance it wasn't true. And I was scared to death it was.
Layers, So Many
3 days ago