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Between Families Between Families
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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Destructive thoughts. Everyone has them. Or, at least, I choose to believe everyone has them. Who hasn't thought about driving their car into the concrete wall? Its not suicidal either. Its instinctual and destructive.

Thinking about smashing computers into tiny bits. Or whatever your pleasure. Or anger. Or whatever.

For me its not even an emotional thing. It seems to just exist. Like, mentally, I'm running through the grocery list, the to-do list, processing my day at work, and oh by the way I'm thinking of driving over the dam and what noise my car would make as it splashed into the lake.

Now I've added horrible thoughts of things happening to my child to that same destructive list. As in, I no longer think of driving into or over things, but what would happen if we took Magnus on a boat and he somehow fell overboard. Like, if picturing myself diving into the cold water and how fast I could swim to catch him would protect him in some way, I would be prepared. Like if I prepare all these scenarios for how to save his life, I'll be prepared to save his life in any situation.

Today it was that the stroller somehow got blown over by the wind and fell into the creek and how I would run down the embankment and get him. Its horrible.

When I was a kid, my mom used to say she was "having visions." Sometimes it was because your glass was too close to the edge of the table but it could also be something that we were talking about doing and how she was picturing some awful injury to our little bodies. I get it now. I hate that I get it now, but I get it.

Because I have visions of a moment where someone throws my child and I catch him. Or where I throw him to Rob in a bizarre moment of impulse. And Rob looks at me with a moment of hate in eyes and I know our relationship is over.

Does this happen to other people? How do you make it stop?


Lora said...

somewhere in my archives I have a post that is insanely like this one.

Mine were bad after Jake was born. And they got worse. So bad I couldn't sleep. My work was lacking, my marriage was lacking, and my mental health was seriously teetering.

So, I went to therapy. And did a bunch of CBT stuff. And it helped.

I still have them every 3.5 seconds, but I'm better able to deal.

I'm sort of working on a book (novel) all about these sort of things. A day in the life sort of memoir about all the bad things I think about.

I think it's SO important for people, especially new moms, to know this is normal and real and doesn't mean you want to kill yourself or your baby or that you wish harm on anyone and you can't will something to happen or jinx anything just by thinking horrid things. It's nature.

Unfortunately, I knew that BEFORE therapy and I still had an awful time with it.


Love you.

Lora said...