Karin Mitchell's books on Goodreads
Between Families Between Families
reviews: 5
ratings: 8 (avg rating 4.75)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I still can't decide if I should write about this, what I should write about this, how I feel about this, how I should feel about this. But here it is. Magnus was a twin. Was. big WAS.

Not for long. Maybe 5weeks. But still.

Because I'd had the miscarriage, I called and made an appointment right away when I found out I was pregnant. They saw me at 5 weeks. Did and ultrasound and saw two little blobbies. I asked if it could be twins and they said yes. Could be. But not necessarily.

So I came back at 7 weeks. Because they were hoping to see a heartbeat then. They did. It was Magnus's. By then there were dark spots on my ultrasound too though. They didn't like that. Doctors weren't sure what it meant. Could be another miscarriage in waiting. Could've been lots of things. So I waited another 2 weeks to go in for another ultrasound. At 9 weeks they were hoping they'd be able to tell but said it was possible they wouldn't. I counted dayshoursminutesseconds. It was loooooonnnggg.

When I went in at 9 weeks, they said the spots were the same so not to worry and Magnus would be fine. But then he was just a little bloppie. The ultrasound picture of him was bigger than him.

Fast forward 31 weeks and a live birth later. And there were those dark spots live and in placenta. And they seemed to indicate multiples. At least one other baby was there.

Which means there's another little lost one. And I feel mixed emotions. Like I should shut up about it because I got this awesome healthy baby, who, every time I put my head to his chest, has this amazing heart beat that rushes along full speed ahead.

But also, like I lost another one. Seriously? Rewind 35 weeks- I was sure there were twins. Scared about it too. Because twins come out earlier. Because almost all mountain babies are put on oxygen and trying to pull two babies around on oxygen sounded scary. Plus, TWINS! Two of everything. Two car seats, double stroller, twice the diapers, twice the breast feeding, twice the bedtimes. But rewind 35 weeks and a large part of me wanted to have those twins. I could do it, right?

But I was spared that. Or something. Part of me thought it was lucky that I wouldn't have to care for twins. And felt bad about it. But part of me feels the loss of another baby. As Lora might say, another ghost baby. Maybe my first baby needed the company. But my heart didn't. Didn't need the company or the confusion.


Lora said...

A friend had her not-quite-a-twin baby a few weeks ago, and she feels the same way.
And 4.5 years ago, I had my not-quite-a-twin baby too. It was exactly as you say. For me, there was a lot of blood and a lot of pain and a lot of confusion and finally an ultrasound to say that (Jake) was just fine but I likely lost his twin. And then there were the spots on the placenta and lots and lots of tears.

I guess it happens a lot? I'm not sure. But I know two others, plus you, and me who have been through this. You aren't alone, and we all understand the hurt and the guilt at feeling this way.

And now Jake talks non-stop about "his brother who has the same birthday as him but only he can see him". And it's heartwrenching but I've come to be happy with the brother I can see.

I'm so so so sorry you went though this. Kiss your baby for me and be sure to always say goodnight to those ghost babies.

They stick around, you know. Stay close to their mommies.

I'm sure of it.

Eric Alder said...

Somebody (God, if you like) knew that twin mountain babies would be too much for you. That just makes your one baby doubly special. I applaud your bravery in sharing this and I'm certain your fellow bloggers will offer only kindness and support.

Anonymous said...

I have to say, I hoped for twins for you. Because I LOVED being a twin. Magnus is a wonderful, healthy miracle and I know that I should not be selfish. Magnus is more than enough, but that doesn't mean we can't morn the loss of what might have been. There are many 'baby ghosts' up there. Yours are together with their cousins and others who were loved and cherished and wanted.