Wrap your head with this material...

When the girl entered her hut she realized she must tell her parents of this important news. But through the loudness of her father’s anger, no one could hear her meaning. Also, she knew this was moon news, which is only learned through whispers and listening. So she went to bed and slept, ignoring the noises of the house in favor of the comfort of her lesson. She wrapped it around herself and slept. The medicine man could not sleep, however, as he too had learned something. He suddenly knew the girl would not brown as his people did. They were sun people and she was not; she was a moon person. Moon people worked by tides and waters, they were both lighter and darker, they were people with a different shadow. The next day the father, furious at the impropriety of a daughter coming home so late, banned her from stopping at the river for any longer than it took to fetch the water. He had built a strange device in the open space next to their hut which grabbed a slither of sun and k...

When I first arrived in Frisco, I thought they were kidding. But no. They really do paint beer cans for Easter. At first I was frustrated because without any thumbs I couldn't paint. But I drank a few and found a monster truck named "Blue Thunder" so I was happy. Until I crashed You wouldn't believe how many cans there were! Some were sneaky Some were tall and scary Some were just funny Side 1 Side 2 Side 3 All day Sunday we hunted beers in the sun. It was beautiful. When we got back to Karin and Rob's house, I got to know Meowmix a little better. She wasn't always so sure of me. But we had a good time together that night. A real good time. I may have fallen for her

"My skin doesn't want to experience the world, it wants to lay in a tub of lotion." "What are 'feces'?" "Baby mice" "Ew!!!" "I walked in and my wife was doing yoga to a tool video." "Everyone's got something to hide except for me and my monkey" "I want to get metal legs. Its a risky operation, but it'll be worth it." "I think I might want to have kids soon. Really, cuz I think I've spent the last three days drunk. We clearly had very different weekends."

“Soooo... The cops took my Van... Yep, Gotta go bail her out of the po-po pound lot.” “That’s why I like to call them Hisperchicatinos” “It’s a baby punching song” “Can I hump while you talk?” “I’m not Chicano, I’m fuckin Mexican!” “You’re like Mexican Charlie Brown” “Don’t haze me, cuz I’ll just haze your hazing.” “Property is theft.” “Some day they’ll give a war, and no one will come.” “So you're the one who sent me a text message saying, 'A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk'!” "My boyfriend is made of rubber... what's the problem?"

My friend Meghann and I posted a myspace page for Escalante He's Escalante. Yup. And he got requests and mail from the girlies all day today. No kidding. And they were the sleazy kind, you know the ones that make you change your privacy setting to private. Here are excerpts from the email "Janine" sent "Hi there handsome." "I'm single and looking for something simple. I want to take a well deserved break from the single's life, but dont want to start something hot and heavy either I'm good-looking and not overweight, I watch what I eat and work out frequently. I love to laugh, to watch movies of all kinds and to read. I'm also outgoing and ambitious." I mean Escalante does have some sexy teeth. My response email said, "I'm a rubber crocodile you tard."

The Currant of the River: A Fable There once was a fat, loud missionary who traveled to Africa to “civilize” the tribes. He encountered a very holy tribe, long established in the region. He did not know the skill of listening and so talked and talked all day and all night. Worse still, he did not put meaning into his words, so they fell empty and with strange resonance on the ears of the tribes people. He did not share his wealth with the families of the village. He did not listen to the wisdom of the people. For these indiscretions the leaders of the tribe deemed him unworthy tribal wisdom. “Maybe he was not given color because he did not give anything of himself in order to receive this gift from the sun?” They wondered. So they decided to watch him and see if he would not give and therefore color and change over time. The tribe watched from afar as the words continued to pour from his mouth without meaning or value, without input or god. His wife and daughter watc...

"I don't have anybody to tell on you to. Maybe I'll just moan. ahhh." "maybe I'll call your mom... Marshaaaa!!!" "You know that part in Fantasia with all the bubbles? It makes me think of boobies." (a four year old) "Do you mind if I just hum while you talk?" "I could paddle a canoe faster than this lift" "I smell what you stepped in." "If I had a blog, I'd call it who peed in your cheerios"

So this is what I saw on the floor. And I thought, "what the hell is that? A piece of taffy, wait no we don't eat taffy. A piece of the great pillow cases that Amber made for us No. No frogs. What the hell is it? I picked it up. "Oh god. Rob got so annoyed with the cat and the LSAT one day that he smashed her tongue! Its sweet Meowmixalot tongue. Oh the humanity!" But then I saw her and she yawned. Completely at a loss. I searched the bathroom. Only to find... a bottle of Pepto-Bismol on its side without the lid completely sealed. It turns into fuscia plastic sheeting. Isn't that weird! So if you plan on eating like this Know that the pepto you'll need later does this Also, know not to clean it up right away. Just let it dry out for a few days cuz apparently it turns to plastic and you can just pick it up. Weird.

"what you said in 315 pages can be summarized here in but a few words: Marianne needed a good slap in the face, and Elinor? she just needed to get laid." “What do you mean he don't eata meat? … Its ok… I makea lamb.” “His theory is L’s not gay cuz when his mom is naked, he plays with his junk” “W absolutely loves the cock and she simply cannot get enough of it.” “I want ‘I love you dummy’ to become a kind of a stock phrase in my household.” “Who I’d like to meet: a cat juggler.” “Straight lines are godless” “And I thought, what am I going to tell this cop? I’m drunk, I’m naked, and I’m on the wrong side of the car” A “I’ve got a Johnny Cash song stuck in my head B Could be worse Pause A Yeah, it could be stuck in my butt B (doubled over laughing) The first thing that popped in my head is, ‘and it burns burns burns… the ring of fire’”

So last night we went out to dinner at the fondue restaurant at the top of Keystone. You take two gondolas to get to the restaurant. We had an amazing dinner with turtle fondue at the end, which I ordered a spoon in order to finish. Yes, I shamelessly spooned the chocolate straight from the pot into my mouth. (I managed to keep it off my forehead this time too.) As we waddled out toward the gondola to go home, there were a few women arriving. They were overly done up and one of them was wearing a fur coat. Her own hair had gotten caught in her fur coat, and all I could think is, "ha ha fancy pants, that's karma!" Then I had a funny picture of a barely visible spirit lingering over her shoulder laughing with Dave Chappelle's voice saying, "Bitch, I'll let go of your hair when you let go of mine!"