Wrap your head with this material...

I promise I will post Wednesdays' Weirdos again next week, but the pictures for this week got trapped on my camera with a dead battery. Sorry. I suck. Instead I'll tell you a drinking story. We were in St. Louis visiting for the holidays and a rare opportunity to get annihilated with my girlfriends presented itself. I started out with two beers while I was waiting for the girls with Rob's friends. Then, when we got to the fancy-pants bar I switched to whiskey on the rocks. I'm at sea level so I think I can drink like a champ. Hmmm. After about three of these and I-don't-remember-how-many shots, I switched back to beer. Damn, I'm bright. At some point in the evening I realize that we're in a bar that used to be my favorite bar in the whole world. It was called Tangerine then. They had Go Go dancers on the bar and let you climb on it and had hand shaped chairs so your butt got held. They had trucker night where you got your drinks in mugs. They ha...

Most of my airport impulses are mildly violent. Things like tipping over peoples' baggage while they're standing too close to me, or nudging them into the railing of the moving sidewalk as they speed along, or wanting to whack the flight attendant with my purse when she tells me it isn't far enough under the seat in front of me. But sometimes I have silly impulses too. I was in the bathroom and overheard this woman talking with her family. A younger relative was asking why she wasn't going to the bathroom. "I have to stand here with our suitcases. You go ahead." came her response. My Impulse *swinging door open in one swoop and covering my face with a cape* " I'll watch your luggage!" Booo-ah-ah-ah Thank goodness for impulse control. For those who didn't realize I have any, I do. Ha.

"When I got my DUI, there was a guy in my trunk. And my license was in the trunk too." "Okay, so I got the pregnancy test and the vodka. We'll see which one wins." "You want some of my snowcone?... its ridin' dirty..." "I am French. I drink peeeeeee. I eat babies." “You mean I just put my mouth on your cockpump?” “You got egg nog on my nutmeg. I’m not sure what it means, but I want it to mean something. It should mean something dirty.” "I wish it were a lamp that would glow electric sex in my front window, so that the crackwhore who walks around our neighborhood with her little 12-year-old kid who insists he’s collecting money for the “school basketball team” would see something besides the other end of my double barreled shotgun when she comes a knockin’ at 11pm tonight." "You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love. " (tosses pistachio into tumbler of whiskey) "Ha! ...

I can't sleep My mind won't Sshhhhhh... It flits from problem to solution thoughts' corpses pile up ideas dismissed and dead to-do lists and inspirations alike layered, litter the same p i l e . Some flicker so shortly they're hardly formed before miscarried away. The best poems' lines d r i f t by in invisible ink. They float off to dreams to die, beautiful thoughts stolen away. The night nabs it all Takes my broken to-do list and why do I not shake its hand? when I wake to a blank day, why am I not grateful when the clock crows "Merry Christmas" and the phone rings says "I fixed your list! It just needed some fleshing out and more time." Instead, I stuff the pillow over my head and look for the snooze button.

Yeah Presents!!! Merry Playing Why yes, yes I am a fantastic wife. Feliz Navidad AND HAPPY SKIING!! (Aren't those the baddest ass, most sexiest skis you've ever SEEN!!!!) Look how bad they want to be on my feet. Yes, I am a snowtard.

I'm just getting back from Adult Protection Services training. I do not have the attention span to sit still for more than about 8 minutes, unless I am reading a novel, playing the piano (wait that's not still,) or writing (also not sitting still.) Ok, so I can read, but that's it. Instead I made pipe cleaner imaginary animals with the lady sitting next to me and thought of names for them. This is Bjorn. This is Romulus, his trusty steed. Sadly, Bjorn's head was too big and heavy for him to ride Romulus. So we made him Steve. Steve is strong for his frame and has wings. I tuned back in for a minute while we were discussion what to do with Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith is losing his appetite and is also losing weight as a result. His wife passed away 5 years ago and his social life has suffered. We were to come up with services. "Our group wanted to get him meals on wheels." "Maybe you could get him one meal a day at the senior center." "But what if...

There was a wind storm that knocked a 40 foot tree into our deck, taking down parts of the deck and gutters. It also took out the tomato plant we'd nursed through many summer frostings, carefully bringing it in at night, damnit. But that's beside the point. To do the work on our place, this guy, Rusty, borrowed our key. Then he lost it. He was sure he'd put it back, but hadn't. Then a couple of weeks after talking with our neighbor Tom about it, this note appeared on our counter along with our key. (Here you go Rob, (and Mrs. Rob) It's just your key, but it looks like a present.) It felt a little like a present too. It was way more exciting that just picking up our key from under the mat.

When I was around 6, my cousin told me that whenever you smell something, it's tiny particles of that thing floating into your nostrils. So when you smell poop, or even farts, its actually poo particles floating into your nose. I was pooping on the toilet at the time. First I plugged my nose. But then I was breathing through my mouth. Ahhhh!!!! Shit in my mouth!!!! I closed my mouth. I tried to hold my breath. Turning blue, I lifted my nightgown to cover my mouth and nose and breath. I panted a little. Then she said the particles are so small they can get through your nightgown. So then for about 10 years I tried to hold my breath every time while going for a world's record in fastest crapper so it wouldn't get in my nose or my mouth. Heaven forbid, she bring up this minutia while we're baking brownies. Twat.

Fermented fallacies in vibrant yellows a girl in pretty ruffles barely chirps a songbird caught in mechanical cogs turns to squawking, words lost songs/languages, dyed and tinted Verbs full of hues a deaf ear rues A linguist's careful calculations pour volcanic lava explanations geologist's calcitration And somehow the seeds all die and the notes have spoken "Resurrect the warbler" but the song's a lie.

"If I ran Disney World I’d make all the restaurants fill their hamburgers with glitter so later you’d actually poop glitter and it would be a magical surprise." "You look funny with a beard cuz you're a lady." "Maybe I could work for the circus. Or better yet, I could be Mrs. Santa's bearded sister." "The next morning I groaned, “I feel like I stuffed a trash can up my vagina."" "As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission." "Maybe god put all the feces in their house." "Vision! What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn you upside down, tear assunder your illusions and send the sanctuary of your own vision crashing down around you. Now ask yourself, do you really want that?" "But it was Boooorrriiinng. You just blah blah, gay sex, blah blah c...

When I was in Denver last for training I went for a run and past by a house that defies description. There were so many lawn ornaments that I had to stop and stare. I came up with a whole elaborate scheme to go back and take multiple pictures. "I'm an exchange student and I've never seen decorations in the garden before. Where did you buy these?" click, click Unfortunately, I got too busy to make it back. I can tell you there was a large glowing nativity scene, a deer, and lining the driveway were hens, ducks, and other plastic lawn birds. There was little space on the lawn between over-sized, crappy figurines to allow anything to grow, making them this week's Wednsdays' Weirdo: Excessive Lawn Ornament Landscaper. Sadly, no water features. Yet. Know a weirdo near you story. Please share. Guest postings welcome. Email me at swedishskier@gmail.com

Friday Quotes! The best I've heard, seen, read, uttered, or overheard. "My brother peed in my mother's fireplace. The electric one." "Oil? What kind of oil? Cockoil? I think we might have some cockoil in the house" "You know what? When I went to put my ski boots on this morning I found condoms in there. I thought it was snow." "Its like I hold all the cold deep in the tissues of my butt and only let it out if I absolutely have to." "people get their panties in a bunch because you may have possibly called God an imaginary friend for adults under you breath at their baby’s Christening." On church sign: "Staying in bed shouting, 'oh god' does not constitute going to church."

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, Rob came in beating his chest. He was clearly feeling very manly. "Listen to this. No listen to this." bangs on chest, "They're like drum heads." I stick out my chin, try to make my neck disappear, and beat on my chest too. "You're drum heads have mufflers on them."

Need I even type something?

On Wednesday morning I went running. I was running in a new place which always makes my awareness a bit heightened: cars, strange folks, trouble to make. By 7:00, the number of warming up, running cars had quadrupled and I could hardly control the urge to move the cars. Not steal, just change their spots. Here's my vision: The whole of suburbia stepping out in their pea coats and briefcases to meet their commute, only wait a second... "I could have sworn I started the car in the driveway. I'm going crazy. Well that's odd. Cuz now its at the end of the driveway. Why would I park at the end of the driveway? I must be going crazy." "Good morning Dr. Klein!" Dr. Klein is scratching her head looking at her Accord parked in front of Mr. Miller's. It'd be like that annoying "little boxes" intro to Weeds, only askew and confused. Ha! I'd love it. I'd just felt my impulse control wane and was peering into a Sentra, thinking o...

Ever been in a hotel and thought, "Where the fuck did they get this crap?" when you looked at the art. Yeah, I thought so. I wonder if that's the big perk that comes with being a hotel exec. You get to pick shitty art. Or maybe you end up boning a hot artist under the premise of using his/her art in your hotel. Who knows? Regardless, that brings us to this week's Wednesday's Weirdos. The Hotel Art Buyer, Photographer, and Framer who collaborated on this project found in a Wolf Creek vacation condo-- The MixMaster! Mmmmm raw egg and Top Ramen... whisk me away!

Things that make me happy Speed Metal eating all my purple Skittles. (What can I say, I'm a grapist.) New Skis in general but right now the new K2 Hellbents... sexy, sexy bitches Kelly calling me a "snowtard" Kurt using my book on his facebook update Things that suck Going to Denver for training when there's snow here Packing Flies Cavities Things that strangely make me think of sex Sexual Harassment training Shaun of the Dead Detachable shower heads (ok that's not really strange) Steve Martin Things that make me never want to have sex again Two girls, one cup (if you have to ask... just trust me and don't) Jack Black without a shirt on Danny DeVito Vaginal Contraceptive Film *shudder*