Wrap your head with this material...

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E.E. Cummings "It is dark and there are roaches that try to rape me as I sleep." "Yeah go on with your big engine. (waves cars on to pass) Go forth and pollute!" "She's got a public queefing problem. Its cool though, she owns it. I mean she OWNS it. Its happened in meetings and people think she farted, but she lets them know, its a queefing problem." "queef a bubble v: to queef a bubble or get upset similar to twisting your panties or throwing a fit aka: q a b " Obesrve the following excerpt from Flandsa Hasasanba's work: "The turnip (Brassica rapa var. rapa) is a root vegetable commonly grown in temperate climates worldwide for its white, bulbou...

I decided to start a new strand called Wednesday Weirdos. This can be people I've encountered or just people I've heard about. So if you have a Wednesday Weirdo for nominating, by all means... lemme know This time I'll highlight Gay Spock. Gay Spock is a mallrat at the Cherry Creek Mall in Denver, a rather swank joint. He is exactly what he sounds like. He looks like: Only with stylish metro clothes and frosty pink lipstick, oh and minus the ears. But that could be fixed. I learned about him from my fuckin hilarious brother who had worked out the following proposition he wants to approach him with (not like that, that's my dad asshole): "I have a role in an upcoming Sci Fi Comedy I'd like you to audition for. Actually I need you to do it, I kind of wrote the role for you." Gay Spock walks with purpose and is no stranger to fashion, and his serious head on stare lets you know he means business Mister. If Big Brother gets him to audition, have no fe...

Playing marbles at the bottom of the pool where there's no ripples or bubbles to distract from the thickness of melting into our ghost selves you in your pinstripes and I in my sunhat we're dressed up for halloween every day even down here I win every time You pout and I offer you palm trees and the seas but you just say "everyone hates sharing when they're honest except orgasms." so I let you shoot my cat's eye and we laugh and play again.

I started a job working at Social Services as a Child Protection Case worker. Before I can do much as a caseworker there's an asston of training beginning with the most hideously boring computer based training in the world. It must've been designed by atari in 1986, blech. I'd rather play pong with a drill attached to my head that bores holes in every time I miss a shot. Trepining? Sign me up! Seriously, there are lessons and objectives you have to pass within the objectives. Some questions are mindless about cultural sensitivity and crap I've been doing since graduating from high school. While others have trick questions trying to trick you into caring about the difference between a state statute on risk assessment and a federal law regarding safety assessment. Ha! I still don't fucking care! And I got a 95% on that blipity objective. However, two interesting things have popped up in the course of my training. The first was in the training on Domestic Vi...

Reposted from my friend Bri's blog. And thank you for reminding us.

"Hercules and Testicles eventually became bitter rivals, and Hercules often beat Testicles severely. Finally one day Hercules beat Testicles so badly, Testicles shrank off into obscurity forever." "I need a pseudonym for you for my blog. What about Ski Blunder?" *Leers* "What? See its funny cuz it rhymes with Boy Wonder!" "You know what we need ...a logo pretty soon, huh? Perhaps a snappy tag line as well? A theme song? And yes, a bluegrass version of the theme song? A new line of clothing? A microbrew beer named after us (MIA IPA)? A series of graphic novels to eventually be made into a movie? A documentary followed by a mockumentary?" "You and your sad broccoli can kiss my ass." "Is it enough?" "It'll have to be enough." "I don't need your disaster movie ultimatums." "You're just like my mom. You try to make me eat my broccoli and throw pens in my eyes." "I wish it were a lam...

My what a large dock you have... Hmmm, mmm, mm it certainly is. You just plug in your iPecker... I mean iPod and Rock out with your iCock out.

One morning last week as I was driving Rob to work, I noticed a bookshelf on the side of the road. For some reason all week someone had been leaving various items of furniture at the end of our street, (which butts up to Main Street right before the highway.) That day it was a tall, perfectly good bookshelf. Since we read constantly and Rob buys most of his books, I said we should pick it up. (We have piles of books all over the place and boxes in closets and the attic.) Rob hrmphed at my suggestion and I didn't think much more about it. UNTIL, I picked him up that afternoon. He arrived at the car with a pile of particle boards he unceremoniously plopped into the back of the Subaru. He explained that a bookshelf at work had broken and his coworker only wanted the recovered, and perfectly fine, bottom half. So he was bringing the top half home for US to use. What. "So you're going to take the shitty, broken, particle board shelves, which have to be rebuilt, over the...

I spent some time with the great Battle Cats Juno and Bleaker on Friday. Yes they look cute and cuddly, but I watched and saw the truth from those bendejos. They have moves. Like the thumbless headlock The pointed tooth head bite The paw secured bitch slap The combined pointed tooth head bite paw secured bitch slap But Battle Cats are no match for The Great Escalante! Even with help, they could not help but jump back in fear of my teeth and their awesome pointiness. I looked into the evil one's eyes, and kicked his Bleaker ass. But then the one they call Linnea got involved. She tricked me into the bathtub with promises of easy prey. And then punished me Ahhhh the horror! Human young seem to have more defenses in water than I had predicted. Maybe that's why they left them on display in the lazy river at Waterworld... I think I may have discovered the hidden human plot to destroy The Great Escalante! You will never take me alive!!!!!!!! Click here to rate this post Hum...

"I prefer to think that your butt will be preserved forever in eternity. Even if we just tell stories about it." "What ever you give to a woman she will multiply. If you give her a house, she will give you a home. If you give her groceries, she will give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she will give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given her, so If you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle." "Looks like the weather is slightly bitchy with a chance of mrrraaa-oh" "There is absolutely no middle ground in this state. You are either a rapture awaiting promise keeper or you drive a car that runs on gorp." (tosses pistachio into tumbler of whiskey) "Ha! I might get whiskey dick, but now you've got whiskey nut!"

So on Sunday I went with some friends to Glenwood Springs where there was a diving board! Yipeeee!!! I am 7. I was standing in line with tons of 8 year olds, plus my friends, when a little boy asked me "Will you do the back flip again?" Oh so cute. "Of course." Then as time went on and I watched the boys, I wanted to learn new tricks. This did not go as well. I was attempting to cork a front flip. Hmmm. I am not 7, I am 29 and when I hit the water with my fucking hips and thighs, it hurts. Do I stop? No. Here is the evidence. A normal person would have stopped after the first bruise, but no it is a series of at least three connected bruises. Meowmix thinks my thigh is the perfect place to sleep, I've spent all week flopping back and forth between sleeping ON that bruise and fighting the cat from stepping on that bruise. Tina took video of us flopping off the diving board, if I get ahold of any stupid moves of mine, I'll be sure to post them:)

Even the cans look drunk and ready for some more whiskey. They gave us some trouble when we opened them and Rob squeezed the can to get the soda out. I just drank whiskey and gave it a splash of coke on top. Then my weed tasted like bbq. Do you think that's a coincidence? Or do you think it could be related to the drunken liquor store discount cans? Or maybe its because my weed's FOUR months old. I'm blaming the cans. I continue to ask around in Mexican restaurants for Corona on tap. Still no luck.

Raped in a bed of rotting mangoes blows slipped on fermenting flesh and afterwards the blister of opposition on the knuckle of my right thumb reminded me no matter how many times I shot the target on your chest you didn't give up Didn't say "good job; You got me."

I hear for your 100th post you're supposed to put up a list of 100 truths about you or something. I missed 100, so here's 101. Some confessions, some silly, some just tidbits... hope its worth a read 1. The first thing I do when I check into a hotel room is still to jump on the bed. 2. Mooning people on a major thoroughfare is a good way to cause an accident. 3. I won't explain how I know that. 4. Mooning a lineup of cars behind you out of a convertible on the way out of the senior talent show is a good way to make everyone think you're drunk when you're not. 5. I have taken a shower in the rain in my driveway back in the Lou. 6. More than once. 7. Swimming laps is a good way to clean out your sinuses 8. You can't think about it too hard. 6. When I was 7, my mom made me my very own ice skating rink in the back yard. 7. I still remember her coming into the kitchen to thaw her hands out after holding the hose over it. 8. I was guiltily happy she didn't ask...

I'm no longer in elementary, high school, or even college yet in many ways I have not matured. I got to a certain point in maturity, decided I was good, and stopped. I have no desire to progress beyond my current maturity age either. I will be 85 and emotionally a 7 year old who wants what I want when I want it, especially ice cream and kittens. My 7 Year Old Maturity or ways I am like a 7 year old 1. When there is a playground, I bolt towards it. On my recent friend camping trip we stumbled upon a rope's course on a walk and rather than wait for the entrance, I went scraping through the underbrush and ran straight for it. When it was time to go, Amber said we had to, I whined and dragged my feet. My 7 year old's impulsivity meant we also missed the GIANT No Tresspassing sign at the entrance. Oops. 2. I have been known to order ice cream for breakfast in restaurants. I have done this even when other children were present who were not permitted the same choice. H...

“You mean I just put my mouth on your cockpump?” “You got egg nog on my nutmeg. I’m not sure what it means, but I want it to mean something. It should mean something dirty.” "People the world over have always been more impressed by the power of our example than by the example of our power." "I had a dream that Barack was my boyfriend. I woke up very happy." "She's easy. She's a funding hussy. Yeah!!! We love you funding hussy!" "You'd be rubbing fecal matter into your back." "Sometimes that can be soothing." "It makes my brain's eyes cross and it breathe hard. But in a good way. My brain likes it." "And as John McCain's speech enters its 10th hour, it can be said that we've learned a lot tonight. He was a POW. He is a maverick. And Sarah Palin can kill a moose with her bare hands. The only thing we don't know is whether he used Max Factor or Revlon. And we've learned that Republica...

So I'm attempting to write a novel, so far so good on that. I love the time I'm spending on it even though I haven't been able to read since I started. I like being pulled into the world of my imagination where I follow and direct what happens to my characters. The thing is though, that it consumes a lot of time and energy. Rob is used to me being the one pestering him for attention. Well, last night the tables turned slightly. He kept finding excuses to come and ask me things while I sat at the computer. He was impatient waiting for me to finish my pages before running errands. Finally he came and sat down and said, "I'm bored. I want you to hang out with me." "Awww. But I have work to finish, Rob. Just let me get through what I need to." "But pleeeaaseee." he said oh so tempting. "You're pretty." he added as his last attempt. (Rob loves to tell me I'm pretty when he wants something or has just said something...