Wrap your head with this material...

"I hate the taste of three day old bladder water." (In Front of the restrooms) "Is this the business office?" "Well it is the office where you do your business." "wait a second, I forgot that I DON’T GIVE A FUCK. FACEFUCK is my favorite word. GETSOME PS: Poor Sextus" "Well, if he wants to date himself he's going to WISH he'd learned how to suck cock and like it.Seems to me...Fortunately, for him, it starts with something mushroom-shaped." "I would totally show your boobs to jump in a foam pit!" "And yes, I have shaved my ear." "Are you writing down a list of things to do like shave your ears?" "How can you tell if a cock is Australian?" "It rotates counterclockwise." "I will try mushrooms six times if you will give sucking cock a fair try. Six times. And you can’t make any faces while you’re swallowing. Okay?"

So my neighbor stopped me when I was coming in on Sunday because he had some beetle kill wood he really wanted to sell me. Its getting toward the end of the nights where we need to use the fireplace though so I was reluctant. I told him I'd check with Rob and Rob, being a sucker, agreed to purchase more wood than we need. Encouraged, my neighbor, began pitching us all the things he'd gotten in a recent foreclosure and wanted to sell us. He told us about the "really nice" furniture he had that he would sell for around $300. The couch puked pink and green floral patterns into my eyes from his cell phone screen. It looked a little like this: only it had pine logs for arms. Real comfy. He scrolled through pictures of furniture he'd like to sell us, (I'd already told him we didn't need any,) and came upon some pictures I thought must be unrelated until he said, "I've got buffalo heads!" all excited-like. Yup Buffalo heads, making him this...

So I failed my first pregnancy test. Pregnancy tests are always pass fail, you ever notice that? Its just the plus/minus thing that changes. When I was 18 and flying to Sweden to live for a year AND I was late for my period, the pass result was 'negative.' I passed that time. In fact, I've always passed. But last week, at 29, and into our first month of 'trying' passing would have been a 'positive' result. No such luck. I realize that getting pregnant usually does not happen the first month you're trying, but I am impulsive and optimistic and petulant and I want everything NOW. Its silly, but I hoped it would happen right away and I have to say I'm scared. Trying to get pregnant is way scarier than trying not to get pregnant. What if I can't get pregnant? That's the big question. No one ever talks about trying to get pregnant while they're doing it. They tell you later, 3 months in when things are safe. So you never really ...

The shape of the arrangement and the lillies reminded me of you sweeping up your hair on the edge of the tub dangling a leg over porcelain a footed thought mindlessly stirring the pot in my belly

Sorry, not so many this week. I didn't start until Wednesday. Oops. "Anyone who would give a swimmer with a lung capacity like Michael Phelps' a drag on his bong is either stupid or very generous!!" "If you hear meowing and can't find the cat, try the dishwasher." "Don't answer your phone in the shower unless you are prepared to get a new one." "Because of shim's facepaint I would call this weirdo...The John Wayne Gacy Drag Queen." Nurse "Do you smoke anything else?" guy "Yeah. I smoke pot." Nurse "How much pot do you smoke?" guy throws up hands "I'm a pothead, lady."

I love drag queens. The pure ridiculosity of it just makes me happy. I've been to many-a drag queen event, including drag queen brunch at a gay bar in Denver for father's day with my dad, my husband, my brother and his family including his infant daughter. I love my family. You know what I love about drag queens? You never know WHO they'll fawn over. But its not going to be the baby. Its much more likely to be my middle aged father. Just makes me happy. You know what's weird though. This Drag Queen Making shim this weeks' Wednesdays' Weirdo: You name it Seriously, I don't know what to call this one.

I'm slightly embarrassed to admit this, but I did a Facebook memory posting. Sounds sappy right? No. Here are my top ten of the responses, retold from my perspective. 10. (Dribbles) "You chasing me on all fours around Ox's fireplace." I have absolutely no doubt that this is completely true as he has a fireplace in the center of a round room. I also have absolutely no recollection of this. 9. (My brother-Speedmetal) "I guess I have to default to the story of hitting you in the head with a baseball bat. I was trying to learn to swing left handed and when the bat came around, THWOCK, there you were. I thought I crushed your skull or something and was in absolute hysterics. Mom heard the commotion and came out to the backyard. She looked at both of us unable to determine the problem and said, "Which one of you is hurt?"" 8. (My cousin) "My 21st birthday." This was the first time she met my husband. We went to a fancy dinner and then my c...

So the other night I got paged while on call for Social Services and had to go to the police station to assist with an investigation. I was there until very late. As we wrapped things up, I said, "Alright, ya'll need anything else, cuz I'm gonna take off?" One particularly cheeky officer said "No way. I'm afraid we'll need you to stay for at least a couple more hours to help sort all this out." My brilliant response, "No way narc."

Library Patron "So you went to SCHOOL to become a liberrian? Just to check out books and stuff?" Librarian LOUDLY- "The book you ordered, WHAT WOMEN WANT, should arrive in a week, hopefully sooner." "In 2nd grade some kid told me that boys had hot-dogs and girls had buns and the hot-dog went in the bun, so I was envisioning sex in completely the wrong way." "This music sounds like whales raping each other." "Dumping gatorade over someone's head is like a baptism, with electrolytes." "(she hooked up with) an Argentinean...cultural nookie" "Cultural nookie. That sounds like a good band name...or a nightclub name...'Cultural Nookie'" "Why is your butt eating your underwear?” "Sprechen Sie DICK?" "I'm thinking of taking Stunt Cock in a different direction. Kinda like a christian gansta rap kinda thing. I already have some new song titles I'm working on...'Sunday Morning Drive-...

Today I met with my favorite adult protection client and she was updating me on her online dating progress. I'm pleased to hear she has a new man and they have much in common when somehow in the course of our conversation she tells me she used to raise seahorses! When she tells me this, I completely lose all pretense with regard to professionalism and am all "Nu, uh! No way, really?" And then I get her to tell me all about raising seahorses. She tells me that you order a pregnant male. Yes, pregnant male. At this point I start to worry that maybe my favorite APS client might be a crust shy of a pizza. So I clarify, "MALE... pregnant sea horse? What makes him male then?" She shrugs and then describes making the salt water and how all these baby sea horses, like a hundred, burst from the male and go swimming around. Apparently baby seahorses are called 'fry' an unfortunate name, way too tasty sounding to mean simply 'baby.' There is a dif...

"Sorry. Sometimes I forget I'm punching girls." "joined the group Can we find 200,000 by 2/12 to wish Darwin a happy 200th birthday?" "I'd prefer..."Can we punch 200,000 creationists in the back of the head by 2/12 to wish Darwin a happy 200th birthday?" "I don't know how much of a hook-up you can have for a monster truck show." "The lady who already had 8 kids and then had a litter of 6 more. 14 kids! Rob, we don't even have 14 plates!" "Wait a minute, I think you might really be elbow-licking soulmates." "something you would shoot: Racists. But only with a ray of happy joy-light from my sawed-off shotgun of eternal truth and harmony." "I certainly don’t drag my genitals over the food.” Gross! I think “genital dragging” is much less appetizing than “doodle dipping,” don’t you?" "I just can't eat a cow. I'll eat a chicken's adrenal gland, but I can't do a cow...

I might go to hell for calling it a parasite, especially since we haven't conceived "it" yet, at least that I know of. I just went off the pill and let me tell you! It makes essentially no difference in my daily life. I don't take a pill first thing in the morning now. YIKES! Now I have to try to remember a prenatal vitamin when I eat. Yeah, I was better with the pill. I read some junk about ovulating. Most of it my mom told me when I was just starting my period. Just by the way, the word "discharge" is possibly the grossest sounding word in the English language. Why do guys get 'semen' which sounds like some exciting adventure and we get 'discharge'? Instead, the book I was reading wanted you to call it "cervical fluid," cuz that's way better. Its totally better to be like, "Hey honey, its time to do it cuz the cervical fluids is aflowin'" Jesus, really? How about "ovum juice" or "o ju...

So I was shoveling the stairs the other night when I heard someone start howling at the moon. "Ow, ow, Oooooooowwwww!" Seriously. But since I live in a resort community where people are on vacation a lot, I ignored it and went back to my shoveling. Still I kept hearing these guys talking loudly to each other, or so I thought. There were two distinct voices. Then they stopped so I figured they went into their condo until I heard a third voice proselytizing, "here in America, that is the ONLY way we'll find ourselves-uh, in the brothahood-uh!" or some such thing. The voice was growing louder as if coming nearer, when I saw a guy carrying a snowboard walking down the street all by himself, talking to himself and howling and realized the voice belonged to him. Making him this week's Wednesday Weirdo: Reverend Schizo Snowboarder.

So the reason for this posting is cuz Rob and I are working on baby making. I guess we've kinda been doing that for a while, only before we were just running drills. Now its the real thing, I think. You know, provided we trained properly and our junk works right. We're no longer using this method Although there was never a third orange balloon in my recollection. Also, there is no "eee er, eee er" squeaky noise. Ok, the balloon animal sex has nothing to do with me and Rob makin' babies, I just think its really freakin funny andw anted to put it in this post. More on our misadventures to come. Ha ha, get it? Too far? Eh.

Early this morning, I picked a client up from jail, took her to see her kids, then to in-patient drug treatment. It sounds so stark, but it was really such a beautiful day. It was a warm, blue-bird day and I'd worked really hard on getting the details together to make this happen for my client. She would've had to stay in jail and not see her kids or get help without some serious coordinating of parole/judge/treatment/family. I pulled into the jail parking lot just before they opened and my client was excitedly watching me from her cell window, anxious to get on the road to see her kids. The last time I'd seen her she was balling and most of the times I'd seen her at all she was skinny as a rail, and she just looked, well, sad. She was self-medicating (i.e. taking a lot of drugs so as not to have to face all her problems instead making them worse.) She looked unhealthy and cried a lot. She basically said the only reason she hadn't killed herself was because of...