Wrap your head with this material...

The morning of the D&C I was awoken several times by the phone ringing. So I gave up and got up. I putzed around on the internet for a few and then decided to go for a run. I figured I wouldn’t feel up to it again for a while. Plus I had some extra energy. As they wheeled me in, I determined to focus on beautiful things. I pictured the sun glinting off the water in the creek, listened to it rush, felt the warm sun on my arms, and Rob’s hand in mine as I drifted off. I had beautiful dreams. My eyes fluttered open to the stark whites of the hospital and I felt socked in the stomach. I cried and cried. “I had a miscarriage. I forgot. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.” I searched for Rob’s hand and cried. When the shock wore off, though, I felt surprisingly fine. Like the whole thing had been some medical problem I’d had taken care of. The shame and humiliation I felt at having told so many people of my pregnancy felt far away and the pain of the procedure was practically ...

All the ingredients for potential: guns grief and whiskey The old Winchester lays in waiting on the shelf I’m told its too dangerous to fire And wonder at that irony The potential in my arms And hips They way they can move Produce and destroy The baby they could hold Or drop Or lose Maybe its just too dangerous to fire What do you do with a gun that won’t fire? What do I do with my empty hands?

"I don't feel like I'm an ass on the war to progress. I mean, a wart on the ass of progress." “I'd wear Jackie Stallone like a hockey mask.” "Hey, it's the sun. It's been a while, cancer ball." "The two women who always bring plastic bags to sit on just asked where the public restroom is." “I make a special point of keeping my butt wet so I can use your towel.” “I’d need a cold shower after that.” “’COLD SHOWER!’ GIRLFRIEND, YOU GOT FINGERS, YOU DON’T NEED NO COLD SHOWER!” "I love Steve Perry and throw my food, drinks, hair, etc. around as an act of almost ecstatic joy when I hear his power shrieks. I've actually renamed my lady part "Steve Perry" in homage." "Put the toddler's clip-on earrings on. She screamed, "No! You're not a princess! Take them off!" Sexist." "everything on hostel computer is in chinese. I just typed hotmao when signing in. I think my typing's racist....

I heard a commercial on the radio that I just couldn't believe made it to the radio. It was this couple talking about how they got together. Dude: "We met in a bar." Girl: "I think it was 25 cent pitcher night." Girl: "The only thing that was really important to me was that he ask my parents for permission." Dude: "So I did, and her dad told me to go to ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME to buy the diamond." I couldn't believe they came up with an ad that was worse than listening to the Shane Company Loser. Not only that but that no one stopped it from heading to the airwaves. Making the marketer for that company this week's Wednesday's Weirdo: A Drunken Girl's Best Friend. Weird cuz when I'm the drunk girl, more beer or a breakfast diner are my best friend.

"I don't think I could stab someone. I'm terrible with a capri sun." "Know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets." "The kid called me a racist." "Just cuz you've got a southern accent doesn't meant you're racist. It just increases the odds." "YOu guys should totally come listen to my band. Its called "incognito." Its an air band. I play the air triangle." "using the line..."From the guys who brought you White Chicks"...is not a good way to promote your movie." "I'm in love with Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights, why couldn't he have been my coach in high school? Oh, wait, I didn't play any sports..." "I'm so excited. Today's the training where I get to talk about sex and say 'cock' and 'pussy' all day!" "What a cute baby! Let's go get some cigarettes." "My 8 yr old daughter just asked me what KFC stoo...

This article appeared in my local newspaper, The Summit Daily, on Wednesday, May 13th A man with a history of violence was arrested on the Interstate-70 median last week after swinging a set of nunchucks in front of an officer with the Summit County Sheriff’s Office. He was wearing a full-length trenchcoat and declared he was kicked off a bus in Silverthorne while on his way from Denver to Los Angeles. The man said he had been “riding the bus when he saw a girl with the ‘swine flu’ and attempted to eliminate her by grabbing her throat,” according to the SCSO report. Another passenger hit the man and he was thrown off the bus before he got into a fight with a gang at a gas station in Silverthorne, the man said. Authorities found the man after receiving a call that he was in the I-70 median waving his arms at cars and screaming. As the officer approached, the man turned his back, hiding his hands. When the man turned around, the officer spotted the nunchucks in his pants waistband. Asked...

I still wanted to think there was just something tricky but everything could still be fine. I teared up as we were leaving and Rob offered to just hang out with me until the next appointment. I declined and went to meet with a client instead. I dropped my client off for a home visit with his mother, telling him I’d be back to pick him up in a couple of hours. Then I went back to the doctor’s office to have the ultrasound. Stonefaced, I approached the window and handed my script to the 7 month pregnant woman at the desk. I held back, stiff, no tears. Rob and I were led back into the ultrasound room where I disrobed and I prepared myself for the discomfort of an internal ultrasound. The doctor waved the ultrasound wand around for a few moments. She looked at my uterus and ovaries and said my ovaries looked good. Nothing about my uterus. “Am I still pregnant” I asked beginning to sob. “Yes.” She said carefully. “Give me just a minute and we’ll talk about it and I show you wh...

"I can see your little muscle shaking. Sorry. Your big scary, manly, makes-me-want-to -bone muscle." "That's right." "My body is built such that I don't know how clothes will work for me." "I'm gonna have a soup taco." "That would require quite the tortilla." "Today I pretended like I didn't know what the word "sodomy" meant, so I asked Jehovah Witness people to tell me. Hee hee. They blinked a lot" "For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage." "When in Japan, do like the Romans..." "and die of blowfish." "I just want to have an Aphex Twin cover band, played all on the banjo. Its called Aphex Twang." "Yes, I’m aware that the list of peopl...

warm full strings strummed the water toward the sky and the frozen over lake yawned and stretched reaching for golden deja vous a far off memory smells of down-home comfort food charcoal and shorts flip flops and a canoe send cracks through the slushy ice layer the fish reach for the clouds The mood of a dream lingers in the morning And the sun shines suspiciously cheerful as though nothing ever happened I've known so many people who've died on gorgeous spring days without the requisite black umbrellas to shadow the sorrow you drive in a limo in your black clothes passing bicyclists and convertibles without mourning the loss of that day How can denial be inaccurate wearing shorts and flip flops?

I've decided to post on my experience since writing about it is helpful. I will continue to post my regular postings in between though, which may make for a weird rhythm in my writing. If you don't like it, you know how to scroll. Rob and I waited excitedly at the doctor’s office, holding hands, anxious to hear our baby’s heartbeat. I could see his excitement in the way his legs wiggled ever so slightly. The nurse called my name and we headed back. Everyone whispered almost seeming confused about why I was there. Nervously she said, “You’re here for…?” “I’m pregnant.” I said with eyebrows raised. Why would they be so quiet about this when if you show up with a bladder infection or the runs, they’re like, “SO YOU”RE HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE CROTCH ROT RIGHT?” or "SO WHERE IS THIS BOIL WE'RE LANCING TODAY?" Weird. She led us to a room, I smiled, Rob and I held hands, and waited for the doctor. She came in and smiled back, congratulating us. We chatted about...

In high school on trash days, (when I wasn't too late/forgetful/groggy to remember,) I would roll the trash can down to the street before school and pull it back after school. So one Monday of my junior year, I pulled the can to the street and then went to school. When I got home, I went to take it back behind the house, only to find the trash can was missing. I stood there perplexed for a moment, thinking, "I know I put it by the curb this morning. Where could it have gone?" I checked behind the house to see if some nice neighbor had moved it back but it wasn't there. I looked at the next door neighbors' curbs to see if the trash men had put it by the wrong house. No luck there either. Weird. It was just gone. Trash cans don't just take off on their own, right? Then weirder still was that 2 days later it showed back up by the curb. People tried to get me to worry about identity theft but nothing ever came of it. Ever. No one confessed, no one sto...

Sorry, this is not a joke or funny at all. We went to the doctor yesterday and found out that the fetus had no heartbeat. I will have a D&C today to get rid of "the products of conception." I don't want to talk about it and will likely pretend as though it never happened. I appreciate your thoughts and whatnots so please don't take this in the wrong way, but I don't want to hear anything from anyone right now. I will post more when I'm ready. I'm sure some of you who have been through it will understand. I appreciate your good thoughts and will let you know if we conceive again, next time like a normal person, waiting 13 weeks.

"I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil." "I'd much rather haz a swinus infection over beaver fever, ouch" "You look like a fairy pirate." "Yeah, I'm shiny and show them where to shoot." "Do you need to be saved?" "No I think I'm God" "K has found another person with the same problem with boxcox- only questions and replies appear to be in French. An interesting challenge..." ""Boxcox" That sounds too personal for FB" "Ah, not very. 'Boxcox' is willing to share very little with me. I can get a graph but cannot extract the values I need. Stingy jerk!" "Tell him he better put out or get out." "EWWWW- do not look up "box cox" on urban dictionary" "Boxcox - 1 definition - [Oxycontin] that is stored in the vaginal cavity. It may be loose or in a box" Kid Quotes: "No, don't put the ...

My mom gave Rob and I her timeshare condo in Beaver Creek a while back. The condo was perfectly nice with hot tubs in the courtyards. There were several courtyards each connected by these doors: Notice where the doors go? Making the designer of this building this week's Wednesday Weirdo: The Doors

Remember this post? Well La Cucaracha just got better. I was hanging with a friend this evening and got a travel story from her. While in Honduras doing some do-gooder-nursing-crap they traveled in HumVs across great rocky dusty roads. Each HumV had a walkie talkie in it. So each vehicle had its own handle. Her vehicle chose the handle "La Cucaracha." They talked back and forth, with their young, female, Honduran translators giggling into their sleeves all the while. Finally the Honduran girls can't take it anymore and ask, "Do you know what 'cucaracha' is?" They ask this while wagging the tips of their tongues in the air. "Huh?" Comes the response from the foreigners, "Its a cockroach, isn't it?" "Not in Honduras. Here is slang for clitoris." My first responses 1. Laughter 2. Followed quickly by, "Ew, who wants a clitoris to be associated with a cockroach. Lame." 3. Followed by more laughter as I s...

When I occasionally played with barbies as a girl, I typically took their clothes off and they humped. There, I said it. You prolly did the same thing with your dolls. I'd run my thumb over Barbie's Crayola-tan colored smooth boobs and think how when I grew up, I wanted boobs. Big boobs. To boot, I wanted no nipples just like Barbie. Boobs were great except the nipples in my eyes. Nipples were a weird grown up thing like coffee breath. I grew a little mini set early on that never grew much bigger, and of course, I do have nipples. Sadly, they never got big. But thank god for nipples. So since getting pregnant my boobs have sprouted a whole extra size. Did your parents used to tell you that potatoes and spinach would put hair on your chest? Well, this was my dinner one night and instead of hair, it put boobs on my chest! Its endlessly fascinating to me and I have to admit I touch my own boobies a lot for it. Rob keeps catching me and is, sadly, far less fascinated...

Thanks to all who sent me quotes to help fill in this week! "Are you a shoe-whore?" "How do you think I got pregnant?" "Hey mom, when's the last time you drank a Schlitz?" "Probably when I was about 4, sitting on my grandpa's lap." "I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey" "I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed." "ahhh yes...slow motion dives, the textured vegetable protein of action films." "Happily going running" an hour later "Not as happy when running behind the street sweeper. Wonder how much dog shit I just inhaled? That's like fertilizer for the baby right? Hopefully not baby DDT, more like baby roundup." Best Swine Flu Tweets Courtesy of GRRB "I've seen a number of young ladies wearing pigtails today....must be careful of swine flu." "Ft Worth Dist closed their schools until further noti...