Wrap your head with this material...

"On the dying front-I'm down to 3% functioning. Fuck You God, I just got a new iPhone, kiss my ass, I'm not going anywhere." "So bright this time of night." "My sister tried to dress me up in a slutty outfit and get me to wear a cross on top of it." "Crosses are not sunscreen for sluts. You can't just slap a cross on a slut costume and call it good." "I want to invent a cross that when you put it on it goes 'tsssssst' and glows red." "That's a GIRL? I think I"m gonna need to see some vaginal confirmation on that." "Question: how many fools has MR T. pitied thus far in his long and fruitful career?" "One time he farted an entire plum" "If the delivery man has a package, does it matter what kind of uniform he's wearing?" "Feeling rough?" "Well, I knocked over a guy and then found out he was an amputee. Wait, are you limping?" "Yeah, I lost...

This is too crazy/me-being-stupid a story not to tell. I was in a crazy good mood yesterday. I wanted to play in the sun all day and drink and make friends and cause trouble and and and... I did. I went with a coworker to the Frisco BBQ where we met up with another coworker, Mickey. There, I drank way too much. I was in such a good mood that I didn't notice that I drank way too much. So, when my coworker, Mickey, invited my husband and I to go to a party afterwards I thought it would be a good idea not only to go, but to buy more alcohol before going. Keep in mind that I haven't really started any trouble yet. Soooo, we go to some friends of Mickey's where I feel the itch to start trouble. Rob's downstairs being talked into a motorcycle, which I also think is a good idea. I tell him we should spend our down payment money on the motor cycle instead of buying a house. Mickey tells me this is a bad idea and I head upstairs. NOW, what I think is a good idea is rock...

"drink several beers while you're on call. Then brush your teeth with whiskey" "I want to start a band called "Fuck you _______." It'll be a Christian rock band, of course. " "Wondering if a mandate of Dirty Thirty should be mud wrestling" "Knowing me, I'd break a bone and everyone'd hear it and be all grossed out and then my wound would be infected cuz I'd be in MUD. I have terrible ideas sometimes." "that's why you wrestle in chocolate sauce instead of mud, but what would I know, I don't do stuff like that ;)" "I think its a different kind of dirty... the kind that doesnt wash off" "I think my party just got WAY more interesting either way!!!" "You know how to use trashbags and a hose." "Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim." (Vicki Harriso...

One of the things I was most anxious to do in New York was to people watch. I looooveee to people watch, and the weirder the better. I fantasized about people wearing purple latex masks and vacuum cleaner hose skirts. I also excitedly awaited the strange things people might say or do. But I also appreciate the subtlely weird. You know, the strange utterances and clothing choices you had to pay more attention to notice. I was rewarded when walking down the street one night, I noticed a very obviously gay couple walking down the street. One of the men was strikingly good looking and worked at it. And by that, I mean worked out a lot and had an unbelievable body and a swagger to go with it. So I was tickled to notice his stereotypical, tight, black t-shirt had a twist. Its v-neck led to...Cleavage. Yup. Cleavage. Pectoral Cleavage. Making him this Week's Wednesdays' Weirdo: Pectosexual

I wrote an original rough draft of the poem below, then got extremely frustrated trying to edit it. I decided it would be fun to ask my friend Gina to edit it since it had some portions I really liked but was sick of it and it kept looking at me and saying "Fix me. Make me cool." I got mad, gave up, and emailed her. She countered with a proposal: We both edit it and post our versions at the same time. I liked the idea and agreed. Oh, and I'm bad at saying no to people I really like and respect. So check hers out too. She's the nicest, edgy, smokin hot, badass Librarian you ever did meet. Plus her blog is awesome. GRRB She's also always on the Blog List on the right hand side of my blog. Hers is called "If it were up to me..." Also feel free to steal a part and write your own version. Only rule is you have to link to mine and Gina's sites if you post your own. Dying in Parts "You're disappearing" Her mother scowls, creases d...

Karin and Rob were got worried and decided to call in a professional. Or the closest thing they knew to a professional which was Rob's brother, Tom, wait-listed police academy comedian. He was convinced that these were what initially had scared me off: Escalante is afraid of NO Chi chis! Attached or on de counters! For some reason this led Tom to a diner. No joke. Where he though this might have scared me: But it only scared Karin's appetite Tom decided to run some interviews: He asked Mr. Twain a great many serious questions. And got a great many answers. Some were secrets for Tom Some were secrets for Mark With these leads, Tom lead the crew to the culprit. Sergei, AKA Arnold the Armored Armadillo. He had found me at my lowest point and had used my vices to keep me captive. But no fear, Tom, the comedian awaiting training, stood strong. Confident in his weapon. Not his crotch, perv, the slingshot. Si, I know Tom was not well matched for the evils of Russian gun fight...

If yous been wondering, I am hiding. Shhhh.... Rob and Karin took me to Utah and as I got closer to my home, I became very homesick. I missed my wives and my prophet. But then those bendejos turned north and I never got to visit my families. I sought comfort in food But that got me in trouble. Banished, I turned away from the path of righteousness and meat. I drank and sponsored others' as well. The path became unclear and before I knew it, I saw death in every corner. But especially in the upper right hand corner. I found out what it felt like to be upside down in your mortgage... I did things I'm not proud of That was when I decided it was time to go into hiding. To search out the path of righteousness and meat again. To be continued...

This was my brother-in-law's "thank you" freestyle rap note to Rob after his awesome fun visit with us last week. He posted it on FB which I think makes it fine for me to then repost on my blog: "Denver City Pati-hoes on patios sippin libations, Arapa-hoes straight chillin in Arapaho basins. Frisc-hoes at the Frisco-tek, brecken bitches suckin on my neck. Summit county breasts of bounty jigglein, hitten moguls, chase'n hot-sexy A-basin slope-locals. Mountain mamas daughters,firm mountain climbin quads, a Silver thorn in my side hot mountain bitches bods. I must note,that steamboat has some sweet little things,you can smell the sexy cookin up at strawberry springs. Royal Moutian view, aquatic bitches sailin lake Dillon,,,the hoes that i saw at the Moose Jaw, near fucken blew out the cellin Hoes be sad i couldn't stay, but i got no regrets, OK just one,while i had fun i never got to have sex. Get them summer-thighs-winterized-best-recognize boyieeeeeeeeee!...

"I want nachos. More than I want a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. WAY more." "I just don't like to watch sex abuse in the dark." "Yeah, but did you see how you did it? I think you oculd easily become a bobblehead." "Sustainability is for hippies and other free loaders. I'm going to pour motor oil on my lawn now." "I hate myspace it won't even let you post a link. bitches. visit me on facebook, twitter, or my blog which is sillyswedishskier.blogspot.com" "jesus christ. you twitter? are you serious." "I am an interwebulous slut" "I had a boyfriend who did the gas at a rave and passed out at the cops' feet. In high school I picked 'winners'." "The way they get in is through the anus." "Ass eatin' people are beyond my fuckin' understanding." This one got torn so you feel free to finish the quote: "Two eyeballs and an asshole. Well, you had a ______...

"Just came to give you your uh, lady friend's, uh, urine." "If I were gay, I'd key your car and egg your face. Cos I'm so allegedly tolerant. And gay. And MAD!!!" "2 people found my blog by searching for "I lost my boner." What? I don't write about losing boners. I never lose them." "I'm going to a peace rally, then Shakespeare in the Park. Then I'm going to write a nature essay on bluebirds and watch a French film whilst drinking Guwerztraminer. Just kidding. I'm going to do M" "The longer it is, the more bang for the buck. In other words, you get more out of each stroke when its bigger." -My mom on buying guess what? "Imagine Marlene Matlin singing 'Be Our Guest' (from Beauty & the Beast) only instead of 'Be Our Guest' she singing 'What the Fuck'" *sings* "Wwwwhat the fyuck? what the fuck! what the fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck"