"On the dying front-I'm down to 3% functioning. Fuck You God, I just got a new iPhone, kiss my ass, I'm not going anywhere."
"So bright this time of night."
"My sister tried to dress me up in a slutty outfit and get me to wear a cross on top of it."
"Crosses are not sunscreen for sluts. You can't just slap a cross on a slut costume and call it good."
"I want to invent a cross that when you put it on it goes 'tsssssst' and glows red."
"That's a GIRL? I think I"m gonna need to see some vaginal confirmation on that."
"Question: how many fools has MR T. pitied thus far in his long and fruitful career?"
"One time he farted an entire plum"
"If the delivery man has a package, does it matter what kind of uniform he's wearing?"
"Well, I knocked over a guy and then found out he was an amputee. Wait, are you limping?"
"Yeah, I lost at keg olympics last night."
"Q: How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"A: None. They wait for it to burn out and then follow it around for thirty years."
"I think Karin's the long horn sheep expert in this family."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?"
"Cuz they're ugly and they smell funny."
FB status updates
"I want ice cream. now."
"Grass is green. The sky is blue. Obama is president."
"I want a monkey. Whats your point?"
"G is a little teapot, tall and slender."
"This is my handle, this is my blender"
"Tip me over cuz I'm on a bender"
Audience Participation Quote
"Like, if god had a burning bush close by, he'd of said __________________"