Teacher- "Today we're learning about the midwest. Anna is from Iiiiooowwaaa."
Students- "oooh, iowa!"
"Yeah, its Ben and Jerry, not Gwen and Jerry!"
"The vagina is not the most nutritious part of the pig"
In Self-Defense class taught by police sergeants
"Its a good idea to use distraction techniques against attackers."
"You mean literally like yell "OH SHIT, A BEAR"?"
"Yeah that'd work. Or "Look, POLICE!""
"I'd run if there was a bear."
(under breath) "I'd run if there were police."
"Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall."
"I'm tempted to spend my last afternoon at work making a bullet-proof vest out of paperclips but they'd probably call that "stealing"."