Wrap your head with this material...

"Baby's crying, Harley's on fire. Shit's goin down man." "I am French. I drink peeeeeee. I eat babies." "It smells like soy factory and pig." "When my mother was born, she could not vote. My daughter got to vote for her mother in this election." "I travel all over this country and in red and blue states alike: all people really want is Money, naughty sex, and good Barbeque." "McCain says he'll follow Osama to the gates of hell. He didn't even follow him to the gates where he lives " A "I can't kill animals. Like when I fish, I always throw them back." Hours later while walking down a country road B "Did you see that squirrel? He was completely flat." A "Oh my god. I knew I hit it, I knew it. Oh, I feel so horrible." B "There had to have been 40 or 50 cars that've run over him since you hit him. I mean all that was sticking up was his little p...

Lightning splits between a plant and a seed a bud and a thorn rich and poor worthy and undeserving stocks split one bought one sold on the stock exchange floor trading and borrowing on the congressional floor borrowing and trading the share that grows flowers beautifully overcompensating hiding behind bright expensive clothes snorting coke can't make a decision the other drowns and drunks by a welfare check fights odds to see a son survive the storm use whatever lighter you need to color the scene don't stop to lick your wounds don't even acknowledge they exist.

I went to a DNC watch party last night. These parties are a chance to get together with a group to watch the speeches. The stories in these speeches were incredible. Deval Patrick, governor of Massachusetts, spoke about coming from a home where he, his sister and his mother slept on bunk beds and the floor and rotated nightly who slept where. He talked about the changes accomplished with the support of his family in 1 generation. As many amazing political speeches as there were though, it was really all about the women last night. Last night was the anniversary of the day women got the vote and some of the speeches reflected that. Lily Ledbetter talked about her attempts to get equal pay for equal work by filing a claim against her employer Goodyear Tires. She had worked her entire career for that company through to retirement making less money than her male counterparts. Every raise for her was smaller and it affected not only her ability to raise her children, but also her le...

Their sentiments traveled far away to the girl and her babies who grew still more. The girl brought her mother to the riverbed to see the illustration and to ask to hear the story again. The mother finally woke from her catatonic state. She held her daughter’s head in her lap and caressed her face as she told her the story again and again and again. The babies were growing so fast now, it wouldn’t be long before they would have to find their way out. But could they be born into a world without light? The girl and her mother slept in the company of the riverbed for a long time, until finally the animals roused them. The menagerie grew too impatient from the excitement of the infants’ growth. Finally the animals gave the girl their last item, the one seemingly with the least value: the piece of gold. Both women were shocked to see this scrap from their past. It had become so familiar over the years, they recognized it immediately. The gold planted in the g...

The last day of the camping trip, right as we were getting ready to leave, I walked up and said, "Hey Dean wanna hear something funny?" "Karin, I'm so ready for your something funny." "Check out my pants. They were Kelley's. She wore them as jeans." I laughed. (Kelley's 4'11", thus the funniness.) Then came his monumentally stupid response. "What were those her maternity pants or something." He said chuckling. "JESUS DEAN! Why don't you just kick in the face and call me a fatass." These are the pants. Ha ha, Kelly wore those as pants. And I am clearly not fat. So there must be another explanation for the astronomical level of stupidity of that comment. Who fucking says that? I back tracked in my mind and began to piece together the previous 24 hours of Dean's. I remembered the hornet's nest and how the boys had thought it was a good idea to throw rocks at it. Then, I surv...

Fuck you to the folks drivin down Main Street in Frisco at EIGHT MILES AN HOUR! Yes the mountains are beautiful. Pull over and stare at them, I got shit to do! A special fuck you to board presidents of nonprofits everywhere who don't have any expertise in nonprofits/social work/etc. and yet get to have the authority to change the direction of an agency in spite of the wishes and expertise of the people who work there. A very special fuck you to George Bush and anyone else stupid enough to push drilling in wild life refuges. Drilling for more oil WON'T LOWER PRICES AT ALL! The oil won't be available for about 10 years you short sighted prick. Stop governing. Now. I mean it. Stop. Someone really ought to smack him on the nose with a newspaper. Props to everyone who reads this. Thanks:) Special props to Amber who wrote a text message with a list of things to remember for Demian, and put 'Karin' on there. Also for getting everyone together to go on this little ...

That night, the silence was thick with the tragedy of the day. So thick, that it was felt even in the tribe. The medicine man, who’d sent his shadow to visit, was particularly lost in the sadness that seeped through to him. No one was helped by him for a month. The tribes people worried that their gift would be lost with the family. How could the girl find her way in the dark? The animals worried; the whole menagerie was askew with talk of hopelessness. “How could a hopeless girl be their key?” When the month of moping and sadness ended, the sun came out and caste a beautiful rainbow for all the tribe to see. The sun refracted their worries, changed the light. The worries melted and faith came through in three broad, colorful bands. Beneath, the animals too grew tired of their mopishness and began to stew. As their discontent grew, ideas came forth. They thought of getting the girl to taste currants again, or maybe if they gave her milk to replenish h...

I just ate White Castle for breakfast... SUCK IT DENVER!!! I just discovered this new bourbon, Lucy something. I've been looking for answers in bottles for a long time, and you know what? Its all about the pussy control. Jack, Jim, George, none with answers... but Lucy, now that's what I'm talkin about." "I feel like I only put deodorant in one pit today. Seriously, I'm sweating in one armpit." "If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have? 2 ft. of my cock in your ass." "Oh, son of a swollen maggot-forking platypus!" Young child : Can I have some candy? Older brother : No, I'm not supposed to share. See (points to writing on label) it says do not share.

Rob read the Budweiser can aloud to me this evening and I gotta say, yes its just as uninteresting as you think. But since I had to hear it, so do you. Budweiser touts as its prime virtue ingenuity. The examples it uses are the refrigerated railcar to transport it in 18sumpin. The next time serendipity struck was with born on dating. Whew, whatever would we have done without it. Then most recently, they've invented a glass that makes Budweiser taste better. I struggle to believe any glass makes Budweiser taste of high enough quality to warrant mentioning, but whatever. This led to a discussion of beer and wine tasting better in specific glasses. Red wine in its gloriously inviting large globes, champagne in its flutes, beer in steins and pints. Then it went to beers that were specifically best on draft in pints, when it occurred to me, I've never seen Corona on tap. For that matter, any Mexican beer in a keg. I wonder where you can get Mexican beer on draft? I bet i...

I'm not drinking anymore. It just means I wake up in the middle of the night for a few hours of worthless awakeness. I can't hold a thought more than two seconds. Kidney beans. See? Maybe this is common knowledge, but it came to me through an awkward Spanish homework assignment in Chile. Christopher Columbus, (douchebag) in Spanish is Colon (I don't know how to put an accent on the second o but it's there.) Its the same word. His last name is colon... haha. Coloneyes:) Loved the swimmer in the olympics with the last name Tancock... heeheehee. Tancock. And Donlon's right, watching swimming is boring. Unless you're looking at a Tancock. Ha! Ahhhhh I will eat cereal and sleep... I hope

Meghann and Karin took me to Waterworld. I waited patiently as they snuck me in Once we got past the gate, I got to look around at the wonder of waterworld. Little did I know there would be a whole menagerie of animals around this thing they called the lazy river. It tasted like plastic packing peanuts, but there was good prey to stalk, (people just let their young float along without the slightest bit of concern... mmm yummy toddlers) so I enjoyed that for a while. But then I wanted to try out the rides. So Meghann measured me Some asshole called Wally questioned the ferociousness of the great Escalante! I had to find him. I snuck up, hunting him down. And aaaaattttacked!!!!!! I'm tall enough to ride that ride, you bucktoothed fucktart. Stupid, pussy two-toother, and he spits when you attack. Wally the Walrus is a wuss, and I'll make him my bitch.

So this morning I got up at 4 am to go for a sunrise hike with my friends: Amber who looked like a camouflaged flower herself. I wanted to take pictures of her a bunch of places and make a where's waldo series, but she passed. and Molly, who might be the only person more quotable than Rob. We hiked to the top of Peak 7 which is a chilly hike due to elevation. We were ill prepared for how cold it was, and unable to shiver through our victory beers at the summit. The clouds sprawled out in a diverse set of warnings, beautiful and pristine, making the view stunning. We ate our lunch (at 8 am) and began a slow meandering descent. We took pictures of the wild flowers and drank victory beers back below tree line. Two large beers and I gotta say, I can feel it at 9 am. The cloud warnings were no joke and as we returned to the car, it began hailing. Amber loves the rain and misses it during our pathetic drippings AKA rain, so she stood out in the hail and rain while Molly and I watch...

"No, I cannot help you pull up your pants. I came here for some Advil, not to help you pull up your goddamn pants." "You want some of my snowcone?" waving it around in the air temptingly, "... its ridin' dirty..." “Let’s just plan on one drink, in case you end up having a hunchback and I end up being 300 lbs.” "Okay, so I got the pregnancy test and the vodka. We'll see which one wins." "Yeah but its the new Corvette guys that have the big important egos and they're hung like fruit flies." Demian "Sassafrass has a lot of ass" Me "Yeah, what has more ass than Sassafrass?" thinking, "Wait, seriously, what word has more than 2 asses? Nothing." Amber "What is sassafrass?" Rob "I think its an herb." Amber "Like Safron" Me "I think it comes from a grass: Sassafrass grass." Demian "That...

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." - George Carlin "So I guess I'm running for president... see you at the debate bitches" -Paris Hilton "When I got my DUI, there was a guy in my trunk. And my license was in the trunk too." "I hate how they go hiring all these cute girls, it means I have to fuckin be cooler than them." "the bathtub is a wonderful place." "only the republican party can eradicate your problems, or the immigrants who caused them" "I need to go to the post office." "I need to stop by the bank." "I need to find someone rational to sleep with." "What?! They took the stripper pole down, what am I going to do with myself?"

So at the bar tonight there was a guy there with this ridiculous southern accent. Its the super fuckin ignorant made up sounding accent. You know the one, I do a damn fine impression of it. I was kinda wasted so at first I thought it was someone faking it, goofin off. I realized he wasn't when this quick exchange with my friend Molly happened. Molly: So who're you gonna vote for? Ignorant Hick: I tell you who I'm not votin for, I ain't votin fer no N%$@**(only he said the word, I love foul language and I won't even type it) Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! We don't want ignorant fucking people like you in our town. We don't act like that here, you can fucking leave. Take your fucking money and get out of my town. I think there may have been steam coming out of my ears and I managed not to punch him in the face. I came home this eveni...

My husband. 1. Rob came home from happy hour one night while and I had my group over to work on our statistics project. Not wanting to disturb us he grabbed a beer from the fridge, some stale goldfish from the food bank, and his guitar and was off to our bedroom to play: perfectly happy. 2. The other day I realized he didn't know where the lint trap was on the dryer after 10 months of living in our current place. This is because he knows I like to peel the lint from the screen (much as I like to peel people's sunburns,) so he's been leaving it for me all this time. 3. This morning while getting ready for work, he was obsessed with coming up with a bluegrass version of "Don't call me daughter" by Pearl Jam. So he peaked around corners and sang different parts of the song in his bluegrass voice while playing the air mandolin. I freakin love him.

gravel in my palms but not clinging to your corpse can't be soaked out by anyone's forgettance no tears will divorce the loss from the gain no bleach will clear away the stain the mark that lingers on a calendar reminders everywhere but the date is an arbitrary number not scheduled mourning Mourning, that surreal watching a license plate while I drive its not me driving I notice as I wait for numbers and letters to emerge the 3D image of a magic picture Will go away if I destroy it demolish all that steel straight into a concrete median crunch it completely glass in my skin particles I'll smell for a week when I wake the nightmare over, the calendar not scattered with red circles death's anniversaries all through the year I dusted today but it wasn't your ashes I scraped away The windows still streaked by scars from my scalp picked by nervous fingers of someone else Not someone who could buy you diapers and change your clothes but someone who escapes into pages, and...

":)you know....these stupid little colon-parenthesis happy faces do not accurately represent the magnitude of my feverishly grinning mug. However, the fact that the little winky eyes are made by something called a colon is rather amusing.huh. I think I just wasted 45 seconds of my life thinking about colon-eyes. coloneyes. coloneyes. colon. eyes. Coooooooooooooooooloneyesssssssssssssssssssssssss.Ha! Still funny." "Each month I somehow magically forget about PMS, that is until I find myself in a clown suit holding a machine gun in search of the town water tower." "Did you know babies have natural reflexes? Like, if you stick your finger in their hand, they'll grab it, and if you try to pull it away, they'll hold on to it for like a minute." "Did you know if you punch a baby in the face, it'll cry?" "Why don't you just clean your closet?" "I will" "Oh yeah, when?" "I like to call it the time ...