Wrap your head with this material...

Over the past weekend we had some friends over to celebrate Rob's birthday. I'm not sure how the topic of Rob's fear of aliens came up... (He gets really scared if he watches those alien watch shows late at night and I think its hilarious and might tell people about it a little too often.) Which led to the question: What would you do if an alien walked through the door right now? Now I had been drinking a wee bit at this point and earlier we'd had a talk about capturing and eating rodents, so it might have had something to do with my response. "I mean, if its nice you'd want you know snuggle it or whatever... (thinking) but I've never tasted alien before. I might want to feed it milk and cereal for a week and try out the delicacy. You know, it might be the tastiest thing you've ever eaten. Who knows what it would taste like?" A certain female guests looked at me horrified as her husband said, "Chicken. It might just taste like chicken....

Your voice, like leaves blowing, reminds me of raked piles and falling. It hurts now that I'm older, what's underneath the hard ground with its knobs of roots and bones rotting my hurt feelings. Maybe in spring your voice will turn lilting and something different will bloom. But for now, I'll let the worms eat your words for you.

"We have a holiday in canada called antelope day. Its on every 23rd of october and its where we celibrate the antelope. we are grateful that the antelopes allowed our pilgrims to sell there pelts and meat to start our economy back in 1895 and every year we praise them by drinking and partying and wearing antlers on our heads." "You ever get so bored driving on a road like this that you want to pass yourself?" "You just can't run a country like a whorehouse." "By the dangling testes of Christ on the cross!" "They're teaching sex ed in school. But he wasn't understanding what "menstruation" was, so I told him it was like throwing a party, and you put up decorations and make a cake, but no one shows up so you tear it all down and throw it away. And that premature ejaculation is when everyone shows up to the party two hours too early while you're still getting ready." "Only a pussyboy who sits to pee during...

Awwww, isn't he cute there with meowmix, both of 'em all tired from NOT folding the laundry.

My good friend's husband had his iPod stolen out of his car last week. It was not the first time this has happened to him. It wasn't the second time either. It was the third. Most rational people now say, "Why doesn't he stop leaving his iPods in the car?" This is not our Baby Monitor Vigilante's attitude though. Oh no. He has plotted an elaborate plan that involves planting baby monitors throughout the parking lot in order to catch the culprits, and I do not exaggerate (this time), kill them! He sat down and attempted to pull his wife into his contrivances. But she declined. This did not deter him however, and he plots on to this day, the deaths of the iPod thief making him this week's Wednesday Weirdo: The Baby Monitor Vigilante Estraordinaire. Have a stranger than stranger story? Email it to me swedishskier@gmail.com! It just might make Wednesdays' Weirdos.

"You’re like a Post it Note Assassin." "I kinda like getting rejected. It gives me something to drink at." "I'm gonna be the cat lady, all old and alone. Only I hate cats, so I'll be worse than the cat lady. I'll be the cat lady with no cats." "I've been arrested tons of times and I've never had a bad experience." "You know who is a real maverick? A cat who can flush a toilet. That's loaded w/ maverickness." "The best thing ever in the world... its theoretical. You know, cuz there's no money in Startrek. Whoopie Goldberg worked in a bar, and she talked to folks, served em drinks. But there was never any money." "okay, I've been into the whiskey... listening not listenong! whatever. download the shit." "Yo, it don't matter if you fucked 5,000 girls! You suck a cock once, you a cock-sucker fo' life!" "Geez karin, why are you so frickin ethical all the time. W...

I sit across the table your long lashes mirror mine in a police interrogation room long dainty fingers nervously fidget about the secrets I ask they could be mine I can't tell which side of the table I'm on the glass is more than one way breath constricted by choking hands "I just want her to get help" words soaked up by foam covered bricks "freak outs" pulling in two directions as your head breaks through a wall Bravery sits in that chair though and will get up and move forward with life just as I did

In honor of her 30th birthday (and the fact that I'm a shitty friend because I forgot to do anything better than a blog) I will dedicate this blog to fun things about PPP. The first time I met PPP it was at a coffee house in St. Louis. She was still married and telling a group of people about bending her then husband over the back of the couch and fucking him in the ass with a dildo. She's 4'11", he was 6'something ridiculous. Later when he turned out to be a complete fuck, I comforted myself with the thought that at least she'd shown him his place at one time or another. PPP throws herself at the world. It is possibly her most endearing quality. At a skate park once I saw her relentlessly run up the side of a quarter pipe five or six times trying to get to the top. She'd run up the side, then slide down it on her stomach unable to get to the top, then do it over again. She had strawberries galore covering the insides of her arms and stomach which sh...

Last weekend while visiting friends, we discovered in the blue 'booklet' (the guide book that comes in the mail for all the ballot initiatives etc.) that there was a list of all the third parties. In addition to the usual Green parties and Libertarians, there was also the Heartquake 08 party. WTF? This led us to designing our own parites. The first party to gain notariety (its already got members on Facebook which makes it legit right?) is the Awareness party . We debated the merrits of various mascots. The owl? Nah, too Hooters. We finally settled on the Marmot. Although I thought the Gopher from this video might have been better, at least more dramatic. Then we came up with slogans. "For a better Aware-ica." "Becoming more Aware-ica." "Building Aware-ica." The problem is that a political party is no fun without a rival party. So what is the rival to the Awareness party? The Intuition Party. It was difficult to choose a mascot for thi...

"Just cuz you can do the robot to it, does not make it a good song." "It smells like soy factory crossed with pig." "Why do I have to be starting trouble? What, you see boobies and just automatically think trouble?" "Yes." "I really hope the Broncos are winning this debate." "Karin is a big poopy pants." "And for all you Joe Sixpacks out there playing drinking games, Maverick." "I have a friend who gave up on leather." "Its like trying to nail jello to the wall." "I think the straight talk express lost a wheel back there." "I'm gonna take that $5000 a year across state lines and buy fireworks with it." "The best current offer is from a fun-loving scrubby-looking group of guys called "The Taliban": on the table is four cows, six virgins and 500 free hours on AOL."

After I passed the test of the one called Linnea's: "Tumbling Class," I dedicated the rest of my captivity at the Mitchell/Johnson household to learning about their forms of entertainment. El Tobagan Gigante! The Teeter Toddler I was disappointed to find this does not have anything to do with toppling a Toddler. Que Lastima! Never would I have believed a tiny 'girl' would get away with pushing the Great Escalante, but it was muy Fun! Me gusta talking basura (trash) on XBox And my FAVORITE, the BASS! The Pointiness of the Great Escalante's Teeth triumph again!

This week's Wednesday Weirdo comes from my training in Denver. She was a caseworker from another county in Colorado with a special look and skills to go with it. In the first minutes of the class each person wrote down a skill/talent/interesting fact. Hers was that she'd been in a band and written copywritten music. She had that 80's brushed-out-curly hair look with wings. Only here's the kicker, while she had drastically bleach-blonde hair, the sidewings had two dark brown spiral curl temple streaks. It was like spiral wormy ribbons sprouting from her temples. She wasn't just any Social Services Caseworker, she was a Case ROCKER!

Karin tried to call it a hiatus, but I was kidnapped by the one they call Linnea. She forced me through a set of trials she called "tumbling class." First she made me walk the plank Once I got the hang of it, I really liked it. She tried to get me down though, so I bit her. Then she made me watch from the sidelines while she jumped on the trampoline. Then I discovered pinche Esteban from bendejoslandia. You did not doubt the great pointiness of the Great Escalante's teeth in battle did you? I triumphed and became the lord of the rings I rode the Pommel Horse off into the Sunset

Which one? Ninjas or nazis? Piece of old pizza wrapped in a wal-mart bag. It either has olives or mold on it...I can't tell. I think it bit me. "The world is a cruel place where kindness festoons in small pustules where cruelty has trapped it." -klm "Beer and kitten- what more could you want?" "It was really scary. I like kinda peed in my pants a little almost." "He used to come and flirt with me all the time. He was like 60" "Well, it won't be long till you got his money..." "There's a girl I work with and she's got a problem I don't like to hear about." "I'm guessing it has to do with the queefa." "On a small scale I enable my sister to be an asshole at all times." "I try not to worry what other people think too much but I feel kinda funny looking through the women's parts at the thrift store." "I don't want to hear about anything that makes me think about...

SSS "I'm going to apologize in advance for my shitty mood. I've been a raging bitch all day. I really don't know why." PPP "It could have something to do with having a headache for 3 days straight." SSS "4. And yeah, that might have something to do with it." That was the beginning of my phone conversation with one of my dearest friends back in St. Louis. Pretty Physiological Pixie gets her name in that she studies anatomy and physiology with a rigor unmatched by any but the most geeky ivy of leagers. Plus she's a deceptively darling little thing, a little pixi ish even. But watch out, she's feisty! Later in the conversation she updated me on her dating of late. Conversation: PPP "I kinda like a guy who's actually somewhat appropriate for once." SSS "Oh yeah?" PPP "Yeah well, he's kind of a drunk. I saw him back into the same car twice one night leaving the bar but..." SSS "You know th...

While watching the potentially hilarious debates tonight I suggest we all drink when: 1. Biden smiles broadly 2. Palin says "back in Alaaaahhhska" (I do a pretty good Palin for the record) 3. Anytime lipstick or pigs are mentioned 4. Anytime Biden's eternity in the Senate is mentioned (see also Chair of the Foreign Relations Committee) 5. Anytime Palin says something unfollowable. Feel free to add your own rules! I know I'm looking forward to it all!

You may have noticed last time's Friday Quotes had A LOT of queefing references. That is because of this week's Wednesdays' Weirdo: Mean LaQueefa. Mean LaQueefa is a gal I know who is not mean so much as she just has that snotty mean look on her face a lot. You know the look from SNL's TriDelta skit where Melanie Hutsell said "those earrings, like, make your whole head you sparkle" That snotty look. She also, apparently, has a queefing problem. During a recent "boot camp" workout, she made a "juicy farting noise" and when one of the participants gave her a surprised look, she said, "What? It doesn't smell. I have a queefing problem. I can't help it." What?!!?!?!?!! She apparently queefs quite often and is willing to explain that it was not a fart. Which leads to all kinds of questions. We spent an entire evening cracking up discussing them. I'll let you think about them now on your own.