Wrap your head with this material...

"Jesus, are you trying to fuck her or set her on fire?" "Sometimes they take too much batting practice and they leave their leg in the net." (whispering) "I don't want a Mormon to cut my hair." "I hate those metal core dudes with their eye liner and shaggy hair and tight jeans doing stupid kung fu kicks in the pit." "What do you get when you cross Sir Elton John with a saber toothed tiger?" "I don't know, but you better keep it away from my ass." "small kids who swear are my kryptonite" "Why is it coming up with pictures of women when I put in 'chest hair' and 'gold chains'?" "There's a lot of assclownery afoot." "They have a great brunch over at the AssClownery." Linnea Quote *singing* "Idea... I have an idea. I have an idea." "What's your idea?" "I'm singing until it comes."

Women's Restrooms nearly always have these signs. Which immediately make me want to dump tampons, applicators, coffee mugs, matchbox cars, rubber tree leaves, plastic tree ornaments, lawn decorations, EVERYTHING I can find into the fucking toilet and flush. Something about the ignorance of these signs brings out the oppositional asshole in me. Seriously, you need to put a SIGN up to tell someone not to put a DIAPER in the toilet? If you need a fucking sign for that, do you know how to read?

Friday Quotes: The Game. Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can. There will be awards for most correct, funniest guess, and dirtiest lie. 1. "I'd really like to see Michael Jackson leap from the 10 meter platform, and get judged on how well he grabs his crotch before he hits the water at 25 mph, and breaks 14 bones in his pretend face." 2. "More on this turmoil as I make it up." 3. "My favorite part of the henna experience is how your hair smells like, to use a British term, 'fag ends' for a week. Fag ends and teabags." 4. Status update-"...thinks some women have accessory babies just so they can be MILFs." 5. “After Daddy kissed Snow White on the cheek, she awoke from the evil Queen’s spell, completed her education, and began her m...

I love foreign language. Its a fun game for my brain. Thing is when I play games, I play for fun. So here's some fun that's happened whilst I've studied and made an ass out of myself in several languages. 1. Today in Spanish we sang and translated the lyrics to La Cucaracha La cucaracha, la cucaracha Ya no puede caminar Porque no tiene, porque le falta Marihuana que fumar. Translation: The cockroach, the cockroach Can't walk anymore Because it doesn't have, because it's lacking Marijuana to smoke Ss-s-Spare-a-juana? 2. In Chile when I first began studying Spanish, we were given a worksheet for homework. Each number gave a noun and a verb. Your job was to take them and make a sentence. Number 19 said, colon, descubrir. Meaning, Columbus, discover. Having never heard Christopher Columbus referred to by his ACTUal name, I looked up the uncapitalized colon. It said colon. My response to the question: Si tu buscas el colon, una doctora descubre el bajo de ...

1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'." Jon Stewart 2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day." Meghann's friend 3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.” Random chick in DU's bathroom 4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?" Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa 5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.” Heather 6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.” Karin 7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or liquored up Izze.” Brianne 8. "You’re such a special flavor of dork." Karin 9. "Cheers to boozie Izze" Brianne 10. "Booty fuck Wildernest?" Heather 11. "I'm planning on throwing myself a surprise 30th birthday party, and when everyone arrives, I'll say 'surprise!' Oooh, maybe I could tell...

So I met a kindred spirit who also lives to annoy: Brianne's brother Justin. He spent the evening, Saturday night, hugging her with a shit-eating grin of sinister intent. Her response: "Don't touch me." A wise one since he, apparently, is prone to picking her up over his shoulder and holding her over the balcony. Might I mention they're both close to thirty. Justin and I swapped a few methods. He shows up at her house at 8 am to poop in her bathroom. I plug my husband's nose as he's trying to brush his teeth. Then later, I find out what Justin's big, shiny, red button is. Brianne and Brad (her husband) were out to dinner one night and Brad mentioned something about sex. Justin immediately threw a fist full of spaghetti in Brad's face. Don't worry, I was not deterred. Me, "Wait, Justin... Isn't your mom all super open about sex? Isn't she the one that gave Brad and Brianne all kinds of sex toy stuff for an anniversary p...

Introducing *drumroll please* Friday Quotes: The Game Apparently people play this game in their heads when they read this anyway so here's your chance to make it interactive. Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can. Let the Games Begin! 1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'." 2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day." 3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.” 4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?" 5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.” 6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.” 7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or l...

Sometimes I read a site called The Beautiful Kind. Its a sexual blog written by a friend's sister. The blog is very well done, and the subject matter, for me, alternates between a train wreck and masturbation content. I never know what's going to be on there. This last week was fetish week. Now I HATE feet. I joke that I hate feet so much that I grew this tall to get away from my own. So I read this week often with a tinge of fear I might find details about applesauce covered toes or pudding on someone's soles. In the face of my fears I read on. Instead of toe jerky though, along came a fetish you just couldn't make up. Leg casts. Yup, TBK interviewed a guy with a leg cast fetish. I'll say that again, a Leg. Cast. Fetish. Earning him this weeks' Wednesday's Weirdo: Leg Cast Affectionado For more info, head to her website. There's a link above.

When I woke up en la manana I found this news The beloved Animosity Party did not make headlines! Then I fell over in my tracks when I found this "gop" party had. Why would a party that rhymes with cop and sounds like a toddler noise make news when the powerful Animosity Party did not? Did you see all those signs? And not a single Escalante '08! Further incensed I decided to eat in effigy the man who'd defeated me! I realize that I must concede. We must be one nation united under this Obama. We'll be an Obamanation for the next four years, I concede. But I will keep an eye on it. And in four years, when the country again comes together to vote on gay rights and savings accounts for school districts, I will eat the eyeballs of anyone who does not vote Escalante 2012! Good luck Mr. Obama. If the Great Escalante has anything to say about it, there will be an Animated Animosity Annulment to your plans in 2012!

Think its fun to annoy your husband, wife, boyfriend, girl friend, partner... who am I leaving out? ... whatever. Running out of ideas? This works especially if your significant other has younger siblings. Take your index finger and wipe it across basically any part of them. They will immediately think of bastard-little-brother wiping a booger on them and freak. Also pushing them over on the bed when they're folding laundry or licking your hand and saying "Oh no, The CLAW" are good activities. Can you tell I'm a younger sister? What's wrong with me that I think this is so amusing? I might mention I started the day today with Rob dancing around elbows out singing through a kazoo at me. Also in trying to figure out if I should write bugger or booger, I determined the difference. Bugger can be used like "aw did you see that cute little bugger?" or it also means to sodomize. I guess I knew that but never quite put it together that way. So you're d...

"Wow. Now I want to get an applesauce enema, shove chopsticks under my toenails, and kick a wall. Unless this post and all the comments are a joke?" "My dick is so hot its stolen, your dick look like Gary Coleman" "Who will teach the disabled to shoot guns if not you, Heath?" "I'm actually wondering if there is a way to have dirty talk without cursing. Let's run through a few test cases: "Oh, your manliness is so manly." "Smack my rump." "Your aeriola are as large as dinner plates." I'm hot already." "When dressing to travel by air, it's helpful to think of yourself as a mental patient." "Karin? Wait is that the pooh girl?" "You have really good parenting skills, especially considering you don't have any kids of your own, you know? I thought I'd give you an actual compliment instead of all those back handed ones I usually give you and then hear about later from someo...

So last night when they called the election, the bar did not have champagne. The bar tender told me that he'd let me bring some in from the liquor store though. So off I went and bought as much cheap champagne as we could carry. We popped the cork outside and I passed the bottle to strangers and friends alike. One woman got a snotty look on her face and said "I am NOT for Obama. We're going to have more buildings blown up now..." me "Well Fuck you with a big blue dick then!" mumbling now "maybe you'll relax then." from background "Hope is stronger than fear!"

The news leaks first and then pours the tears are in everyones' eyes and screams of triumph in the streets and we are not a race but a country as the white flakes last on my lashes and drip down my cheeks loved ones call who used to say "bi racial children will be picked on" they were right and now one has the power to defend to protect to lead.

I received a voicemail from my brother today informing me that my niece, the absolutely gorgeous 2 year old Ms. Linnea was walking around the house with a pot lid on her chest saying, "Look at me! I've got big nipples!"

Fuck the real world. I smite you. Fuck the cat walking on the center of my boob in the middle of the night. Fuck political ads and their bullshit dramatic, breathy voices. Fuck pro and anti ballot initiative ads that have NO actual useful information in them. Stop wasting money you fucks! Fuck gray afternoons that result in NO snow for my ski season. That's right I just called it MY ski season. Fuck not being able to check my email at work Fuck drug testing Fuck drug addicts Fuck the lumping of all drugs, all drug users, and all drug addicts into one horrible scary evil category. Fuck periods. Fuck parents that hit their kids. Fuck even harder, the fact that some of them don't hit them hard enough to allow us to help. What kinda fucked up...grrrr Fuck turn signals, just cuz. Fuck Sarah Palin, in a very uncomfortable place. Fuck Main Street Dickslap Wallstreet Fuck socialism for the rich and capitalism for everyone else. Fuck anyone who thought privatizing social security wa...