Wrap your head with this material...

"I wonder what a cactus fruit popsicle tastes like. And if there will be a cure for AIDS in my lifetime." "I also have concrete proof that the bermuda triangle is a parallelogram." "the circus? Really? I much prefer you as a social worker who falls off her bike when drunk. Now that's a show!" "We drank a lot of beers and played on the Wii Fit board." "You got Wiinebriated?" "Yeah! And if I get really good at it I'm gonna call myself a Wiinebriadore!" "I think that Carrot Top and Fergie are seeing the same facial rejuvenatory specialist. It's hard to tell the two of them apart sometimes lately. And Joan Rivers and Steven Tyler look like twin lizards. Twizards." "This is the kinda jukebox you can ride." "Just cuz I got a peace sign on my shirt don't mean I won't go to war." Birthday Quotes "happy birthday! Take it easy drinking and Wiiing. Or biking. ps I fell off my barsto...

I've been thinking about how I feel about having told everyone I was pregnant. When I think about it, I get this guilty awful feeling in my stomach. Like I'm an idiot for telling people before it was time. Like I lied about being pregnant. Like I'm a naughty little girl who bragged about something she didn't deserve and so its promise was taken away as some sort of lesson. But I didn't do anything wrong. I WAS pregnant. I took care of myself and it didn't work out. It happens to a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people. Who also didn't do anything wrong. And shouldn't have to feel like they did. It shouldn't have to be some dirty secret or a hidden guilt. Rob and I have been trying to buy a house and have put in offers, gone under contract, and had at least a half dozen prospects go south. I didn't feel like a tattle tale when I talked about those things before they actually happened. I don't feel the need to lie about interviewin...

I'm at a Children's Advocacy Center waiting to meet with a guy. We're sitting at this table and I'm doing a crossword when I overhear this man telling a story. A natural eavesdropper, I practiced my talent. So this guy, right? He hears all about how you can pick up prostitutes on Craigslist, right? Rather than just thinking "That's crazy," like the rest of us, and moving on, he's thinking "that's great." So he decides to look into it. He picks out this one chic on there. He checks day after day, week after week for months! To make sure this broad's legit, right? He's pretty convinced she's the real deal so he contacts her and sets up her services, if you will. He shows up and instead of getting laid, two guys show up, beat the shit outa him and rob him. The story doesn't end there, though. This guy! This guy gets in his car, drives all the way across the city and calls the cops. Yeah, I know you're thinkin...

I was at a meeting on Thursday where 3 awesome things happened. 1. There’s this dude on the committee who I always listen to and can’t put together what its reminding me of. Finally figured out he sounds EXACTLY like John Wayne. Its really, really funny when he starts a sentence with “Well.” Especially when what he says after the "well" is very unwaynelike. 2. A couple of guys from Buildings and Grounds saw us meeting and knew who every member of the group was. (We were sitting outside.) So he turned the ONE sprinkler on that he knew would hit us. 3. I found out that if you put a dead horse in the landfill compost, in 30 days all that’s left is its femur. In 60 days its gone. In other news it’s the last day of my 20s today. 20s, You’ve been fucking awesome. Thanks for all the crazy stories and important lessons.. You can keep your heinous hangovers. Thanx, Swedish Skier

"Well, what fresh hell is this now?" "Feeding infants vitamins is like buying pee. They might as well just pee money." "Watch out. You're going to raise this kid to be some gangsta rapper who's going to rap about peeing money on girls." "My four year old has a special name for her “private area” and somehow she decided it was called a “Tootie”. Being an avid watcher of Facts of Life, this disturbs me." "On a scale of 1 to 10, that sucks." "when I was little, I thought that mermaid vaginas were in their belly button." "Great. Hope you're happy. You're kids will be living in beds of yogurt cups." Audience Participation Quote "That's the most ridiculous voicemail message I've ever heard. She said _________________. Who leaves that?"

Rob and I have been in rare form this evening. He went out and took the top off the '89 4Runner so we could take it 4 wheeling on our camping trip this weekend. I've knocked him over twice on the bed. I forgot how much fun that silly habit is. Makes me giggle every time. He's found a new favorite way to amuse himself. He's been singing " I'm on a boat " while karate chopping himself in the throat in order to sound like T Pain. Never thought I'd be married to T Pain. Or cheated on with a mermaid? Where's her vagina exactly? Oh and Rob also told me that the cat's his soul mate when I asked him for ideas for another way to say "kindred spirits." He's got flippy floppies for our trip though. Thank goodness. Oh and I'm not 30 yet, but I will be soon. I'll post pics too.

So I wrote this poem and emailed a version of it to Gina , Judith , and Lora to play Team Poetry. The deal is: One person sends out an offering of a poem. Everyone gets to love it, snip a piece here, take a tangental line there, edit away and post their own version. We all link up and post same day and time. I can't wait to check out everyone else's. I call mine Scattered Mother used to worry my sister's yellow satin ribbon between her thumb and forefinger the pretty ribbons we'd worn that day I always imagine the accident its as real as a memory as if I hadn't gotten in trouble as if I hadn't been in time-out crying over lost ice cream as if I were there with her hovering above the blue-gray paint and glass shards met in such haste and her yellow ribbon butterflies from the window lingering in the air for ages in the wake of screeching steel it floats down like a feather in silence she IS me parallel she makes all the right choices where mine were wrong sh...

"I'm no good at self control. If I want food, or sex, or alcohol there has to be a really good reason why I can't have those things. Or I'm having those things!" "You cannot go from a tired, sad, introverted woman to a NUDIST! Who knew sunning her tits would make her happy!!?!" "You two girls probly shouldn't hang out unsupervised anymore." "Love you Karin... even though you should of stuffed a sock in my mouth to make me stop talking." "That blue water really cleans my hands, but it sure tastes like shit!" "I want to run for office. I wish I could." "You'd be good at it." "I cant because I work for the county. We're not allowed." "I thought you were gonna say it was because of the felonies." "fell off my bike and scraped most of the flesh off of the heals of my palms. can still type but holding a bar of soap is another story. Thank goodness for Rob" "Fell...

Last night I had a long talk with an old friend. Apparently her parents or more specifically her mother has gone through drastic changes recently. Her mother has struggled with health problems more than half this girl's life: weight & diabetes, both unregulated. So I guess recently her mom went into the hospital and long story short, they discovered she did not have diabetes and was improperly medicated. As in she'd been taking Lithium for like 10 years too long and didn't have any issues which would require Lithium. So her mom got properly medicated and since has gotten out of the recliner and started taking care of herself and doing all kinds of things. Her mom now shops at Old Navy where she can wear a size 8 and goes to baseball games regularly and on and on. Her mom has DRASTICALLY changed and for the better. Now this is all well and wonderful even. But its weird for my friend. Cuz see for like half this girl's life, her mom has been an unhappy, unhealt...

Remember the iron mask stupid movie didn't touch what I'm thinking wrapping myself up in rock first a layer of schist its sparkle and lightness a sequined dress after all its a ball I'm going to have sliding down chutes in the White River national forest all around the schist is pretty and light but I'd need a jacket of iron to protect me as I bounced my way down the other rocks and fallen trees get jealous all trapped in their spots they throw a spiky elbow up at passing fish flay them right open nourish the stream so I'd need a helmet but for my whole body to ride all the way down I'd get stuck swirling in a pool blocked in by a branch and some flow the sun would glint through the aspens and off of my pink quartzite ruffles I'd take in all the lessons the water rushsssshhhhhhed at me all speaking at once, announcing the truths eventually the water would find its way through me pulsing its advice to my core I'd get splashed out tossed aside where my kno...

"You may be unusually energetic today because your key planet Venus received an unexpected wake-up call from electrifying Uranus." "Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met--all of a sudden you take pride in accomplishments you had no part in whatsoever... " -Doug Stanhope "Drink that, DENVER!" Quiz Results: You are 48% mean "Is the junk yard dog losing her bite?" "Weak!" "F you Karin--your pretty face is going to HELL!" "Yeah it is, I might have had to spit on a homeless person but I got 67%" At the fireworks- "Where would patriotism be without the Chinese?" "The phrase 'I'm not racist but...' should just be replaced with 'I'm racist AND...'" "12 million homeowners and investors will be "underwater"--owing more than their property is worth." "I prefer up-side-down. Makes people sound like they've gone face...

Rob has a habbit of sticking out his hand, palm up, all stealthy like right before I sit on the couch. He gits the best guilty grin about it, so pleased with himself. So yesterday, I grabbed his hand, sat on it on the couch, then got up and smacked myself on the butt (with his hand,) and said "Good Game!" before walking out of the house. I told this story to a friend after an impromptu volleyball game and he told me he once applauded dramatically after his girlfriend completed a blowjob successfully. When I asked how that went over He said, "It was well received."

I was just going to post this story but then I needed a Weirdo this week, so I decided to make this it. There's this chiropractor girl we know and I've always found her a bit annoying but the 4th of July she was just an epic fail of a person. She arrived wearing this ridiculous 80's outfit. Now, I'm not much for fashion or giving a shit about what people wear, but she clearly went to great length on this look so I'm going to judge it now. She was wearing purple tight jeans, an 80's striped belly shirt, and a head band ala Willie Nelson although on her it looked more Robert Plant somehow. She was also wearing a fanny pack, which I'll give her she had a very practical explanation for so I'll leave that alone. Except, no I won't because it was white leather. Frost that look with some feather jewelry and tooth bling and you've got a LOOK. Which brings me to the beginning of the failure. This twat went up to my friends' little girl, Tempest...

"WAR! If I'll squish crunchy beetles for a plant, just think what I'd do to protect YOU!!Don't mess with a MOM! " "Why's the Avon lady walk funny?" "Because her lipsticks!" "I hate sitting in the middle of a row at the movies or a baseball game, because I never know how to pass people when I get up or go sit down. Is it more polite to put your butt in their faces, or your crotchal?" "I suspect my father just dumped a bag a live ducklings on the living room floor for the grandkids to chase down. This is exactly what happened last time we were here." "Doc: You need an ultrsound today." "Pat: But we already know I'm a boy!" "Just asked the stupidest question ever: What was the movie where John Malcovich played himself?" "If I've learned anything from porn, its that everyone's face gets distorted when they have a dick in their mouth. No amount of eye make up can distract from ...

Wed-nes-day. What a stupid word. And Colonial. Also stupid. Who decided to give in to these stupid spellings? Blah, blah, blah French people. Blah, blah, blah people in the dark ages writing with charcoal in the dust with their little finger nubbins. Blah, blah, blah. Muthaspellas! This week's Wednesday's Weirdo: Etymologists. Its Whensday and Kernal. And I might have to even change it to Whensdays' Weirdos. Take that, you stupid word freaks.