Wrap your head with this material...

I'm reposting this because Lora at Fever wrote about smelly lotions a while back in a post, and then a day later my boss gave us all decorative money clips (because social workers have lots of money) and honeydewmellonball and sugarplum fairy handsoap (because all that money we have is dirty.) THEN, at a Sustainability Task Force meeting (which is where a bunch of us from different departments all over the county government get together to try and get us to a zero waste organization,) we got off on a side conversation about feeding wildlife. I was so stunned. I mean, who doesn't know not to feed wildlife? Apparently, one woman showed up to do a home inspection, only to find bag upon bag of dog food in the garage. She asked the homeowners about their dogs, to which they looked confused and then explained that they leave the food out for the foxes and coyotes. Don't worry, I'm sure the bears know its not for them. Jesus, idiots. There were tons of stories like this. So w...

"beer-and-a-pot-pie cha-cha-cha!" "College, are you there? Its me, Karin." "if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are." "I have a crush on Swedish Skier's brain." "Hullo, I glanced at your post and needed to share with you something that you will find engrossing." "Don't give my dog drugs. I mean it!" "I'm trading A-basin in my crotch for Beaver Creek."

Ever met someone who manages a cheap motel? I did. At a party no less. He runs the cheapest, creepiest place in town. He's nice enough, gives out vouchers to help stranded people and victims of domestic violence. But the place is infamous. And he was exactly what I would have pictured. As in... missing teeth. As in... corners you to tell stories about the dead people he's found in hotel rooms. As in... corners you and does not stop talking to you for 45 solid minutes about said dead people. As in... not even all the way in the door to the party, corners you and does not stop talking to you for 45 solid minutes about dead people. It was awkward. And uncomfortable. But worse yet, I was invovled in a finding-a-dead-guy-situation and I totally wanted to tell people about it. But I won't. Except, now I've put it out there so I have to. The story is really just sad. I got a referral about a man who had been neglecting himself and was dying after years and years of ab...

"I gave Toddler a plastic drink sword and a paper drink umbrella the other day and he gave them back saying, "no thanks, I'm not a Chinese girl" me: "what?" Toddler: this is how Chinese ladies fight dragons (holding the umbrella above his head and making jabby motions with the sword) " "I should have blown him kisses. There really aren't that many opportunities to blow Demian kisses." "Hopefully I'll be back if the judge doesn't chew my ass too bad." "top or bottom?" "I'm hoping it'll be the whole thing so I can get disability. It doesn't sound quite as bad when you just got half your ass chewed." "I don't think they make a donut for that." "That's a funny mental image." "Ha! Every effort you made would be halfassed!" "Wow, that was Rob-level of bad joke. I love it!" "You look like a parapalegic trying to do pushups." "Intervi...

"You are sexting a monkey and getting turned on." "The fairyest of drag queens and 3 year olds have the same taste in music." "Michelle's brow furrow turned into a brow spasm at age 13." "You spit something up on my boob and made me pick it off and put it in my drink." "The fruit is getting good and sucked." "If you ever want to fuck again, I'm gonna buy you an iPhone cuz there's an app for that." "Karin is a whore. Yeah, your wife is a whore and it is quite a video." "He got nomigranite" ".... inappropriate" "Innapropriate comments? That's what little girls are made of." "Girls are made of Adderall." "We thought WE were having a normal conversation. We were just talking about animal sex." "I've been hit with 14 hoola hoops and slapped in the face with hippie smell and I don't even know." "I'm just glad you don't have a ...

My pelvis is instable. Doesn't that make it sound like it has a mood disorder? Like I might hip check you one day and hump you the next? That's not what it means. I'm having problems with my SI joint. Thank god. Because I thought it was going to be a disc thing. And my brother had a disc thing that resulted in 3 surgeries and a significant hospital stay. I'll take my bitchy girdle (pelvic girdle that is.) So yesterday I started physical therapy. I told the PT about how if I do a Kegel, I can pop my lower back. Fucked up right? Sounds like I have an unstable and tempestuous pelvis. Like it can roar. She actually said its not all that uncommon. So there's apparently a bunch of roaring, snapping, moody lady hips out there. Be aware. So later in the appointment she's going over the exercises she wants me to do to help keep my hips aligned (one hip was an inch and a half higher than the other until she yanked it into place.) She's explaining how I need to tighten...

"It's a good thing I love Roxie so much, since she dropped butter in my purse." "My current proof against intelligent design: A pig's clitoris is INSIDE her vagina. If there was an intelligent design ALL females would be designed this way." "Watching news about Tiger Woods and my kid asked "Is that Obama's brother?"" "Ever notice that dudes always call it a "penis cake." They never say "cock cake." Which is too bad cuz its fun to say." "My list isn’t long, but I have a lot to be thankful for and topping that list is: I GOT A MOTHERFUCKING KIDNEY! Sorry, I’m a selfish bitch and living makes me happier than anything/anyone else. " "I'm going to empty my clam pouch."

On Wednesdays I (sometimes) post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com Code for What Would White Trash Mexican American Jesus Do? Becuase in St. Louis last week, I was driving behind this guy who had a truck that looked a little like this: But with an eagle, flag combo decal on the back window And stickers and sayings all over the place about Jesus. There was the fish, and angel figurines were built into the wooden truck bed, and there were stickers of White-Jesus's face, and I could. Not. Look. Away.

STOP FUCKING SPAMMING ME! Ok, I'm sorry. I know spammers don't know how to read. I know that CAPTCHA is close to being as annoying as spam. But I'm enabling it again on comments for at least a brief time in order to stop reading Chinese characters in my inbox and then trying to find it in the actual post and delete. Grrrrrr. In other news, I just finished reading the book Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex and have to tell you: fascinating. There's info on a study of spinal cord injured patients and their orgasms... yeah, they can have orgasms. There's also a study of rats wearing polyester pants to see what it does to their sex experience (wear cotton- just friendly advice.) Every page has something that makes my eyes pop. So yeah, sorry again about the comments change. Please comment anyway. Or don't. Whatever. I appreciate readers either way.

So I was talking to my father-in-law the other morning over breakfast about the insane level of rednecks living in his area. Aside from a love of burning things in his yard, he's very NOT rednecky. Anyway, we were talking about the "these colors DO NOT RUN!" and "Palin" and other eagle/flag related stickers that are more prevalent than liquor stores in the ghetto when he told me about the newest in Redneck Halloween trends. Pumpkin throwing. You can just throw regular, or shot put style or OR you can use the catapult. Yup, I said catapult. First reaction: AWESOME. I want to do this. How fun would it be to catapult a pumpkin and watch it smash against a target or a building or a truck with a fucking Palin/Eagle decal on the back window! Second reaction: There are people starving in the world and we THROW. OUR. FOOD. In your face, starving children! *hang head* That said, I'd want a slingshot. But not like this guy. He seems like if he lets go, he'll be e...

Really? I have to do this? The whole what'reyouthankfulfor? Fine, but I'm not going to like it. Here goes. Every year on Thanksgiving I go for a run. Always by myself, and always a wonderful introspective full lunged run. I love it. So I'll start there. My nephew, Collin and really my entire family of in-laws. A girl just can't get luckier. They let me cuss and be obnoxious and weird and have my wedding my weird way and be a ski bum or a writer or a delinquent or a teacher or a social worker and not only accept me but seem to like and be proud of my quirks. But back to my nephew. My family's all girls. And I'm a busy girl. I like to run and play and rough house. He does too. We went to the City Museum yesterday and played and chased and ran ragged. I'm glad I get to have a relationship with him where we do that. Get each other. His dad and my husband stood around holding coats and meeting up when and where we were supposed to. I'm thankful for them doin...

So at the bar the other night in St. Louis (I'm visiting my wonderful old friends and family,) we're talking. PPP is talking about how much she loves some new $750,000 microscope and says she loves it more than her daughter and while she starts to explain why I pop her on the top of the head. It makes a really loud noise. And the guy who owns the bar and is PPP's friend's jaw drops. (He's never met me before and I like to make an *impression*) I apologize to a laughing PPP, and he says "No I think that's exactly the strength of hit that comment warranted." "Yeah, I know just how hard you're supposed to hit. I work for Social Services." Like I said, I like to make and *impression*

So out at the bar the other night I was telling this story about how my old roomate has TERRIBLE taste in men. To illustrate the point I was talking about this dude she was kind of into for a while. One morning I was up getting ready for school and found him sleeping naked on the couch. I shrugged and went off to class, figuring I'd ask her about it later. Come to find out he pissed her bed. AND did. not. wake. up. She kicked his ass out onto the couch and cleaned things up. So as I'm telling this story I finally figure out who this guy is that I got a friend request from on Facebook and am all "Holy shit, that's who he is." So I sent him this message: "Are you the one who slept in Christine's bed and I found you sleeping naked on my couch like 10 years ago? Cuz if so I'm definitely going to have to accept your friend request. That shit was funny."

"Are you going to keep the stache? Maybe it'll be like eyebrows for the lips--a human sweatband!!! AWESOME!" "Next time I want a lawyer, not an attorney. I may be dyslexic but I'm not stupid." "Lately, I have been worried that I may have a rare form of "Clothing Loss". Happy to hear that I am not blacking out and leaving my clothing around town" A- "I like that afghan looking thing. Shawl? Wrap? Sherwrap?" B- "You're looking elderly this morning." C- "Shut up. You *wish* you could wear a blanket over your clothes all day!" A- "Yes, I do." B- "Ooo, I could hide a gun under it and be like Poncho Villa!" "Does she have H1N1? Is she gonna die?" "Yeah, she's gonna die. She was just waiting to get her internet installed first." "so one of my fb friends (who I don't like in real life, but whatever) is all like "I can't believe I'm going to be...

Last night my yoga class was done entirely blindfolded. Which would've been a lot cooler if I hadn't been surrounded by dudes, one of whom had super stinky feet. Guess what sense of mine is heightened when I'm blindfolded. Which is also why when we did the "wind eliminator" posture pictured above, I felt justified lettin it all go and hoping his was heightened as well.

For the record I love Sesame Street, but I love jokes more. "G supposes you think it's funny that she had hot sauce on her finger and then picked her nose." "If you wear tights all day and have a date that night, for the love of god, WASH YOUR FUCKING VAGINA." "It's hard to write about sex when your daughter is reading an Archie McPhee catalog & prattling on about zombies & yodeling pickles" "Happy Anniversary Sesame Street! Cheers to 40 years of having a hand up your ass." "Happy 40th Sesame Street! Hope the cops don't getcha for drinking a 40 on your 40th. Maybe you could pay that green homeless guy to be your lookout." ""...happy 40th birthday Sesame St! That bird isn't getting any bigger. I say we eat him now!" "A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence." "I’m sorry. I’d reply in more detail, but I’m masturbating to Bea Arthur…" ...

During the last election there was an event for the Democratic candidates at our local office. Senator Ken Salazar, now Secretary of the Interior, was to be there. It was a big event. Multiple people had brought items to contribute to the serve yourself, margarita bar. Now, I should mention that I don't normally drink margaritas and I don't have much of an alcohol tolerance. Also, I don't know how to make a margarita. That will become evident shortly. So, I stand in front of this bar, shrug and start throwing shit in a glass. I plopped a couple of ice cubes in, dump in some margarita mix and then some tequila. Seems harmless enough, right? I look around for lime or anything else fancy I'm supposed to do, shrug and start drinking it. "Wow its strong." I think. So I try to drink it fast to make it go away. Well, apparently the mix already had tequila in it. So next thing you know, I'm talking to the Speaker of the Colorado House, Andrew Romanoff...

So right after graduating from high school I was an exchange student in Sweden for a year. It was a very mixed bag and a very good experience. I knew no one. Being in another country all by yourself at 18 builds a lot of confidence. At the end of a year, though, I was very glad to come home. I missed my mom and round door knobs and velveeta and driving and seeing black people. In Sweden, I went to high school. Their high school system runs about a year longer than ours does and at the end you come out with more like an Associates Degree. All my high school friends in the mean time though had gone to college. We had a fantastic summer catching up. One girl had joined a sororiety, someone else had traveled the country in her car, another joined the military. And we came together for a summer of crazy adventures and reaquainting ourselves. One weekend we went out of town together for a weekend to a girlfriend's college town. We somehow managed to get into a bar and were qu...

Yeesh, sorry for the slim pickin's. Don't know what happened this week, rest assured that you all continued to be clever and make captivating comments. I just spaced writing anything down, apparently. "Never follow a hippie to a second location." "His pants were a spandex trainwreck." "I used to play bass for Spandex Trainwreck."

"Hey, there's a carnival!" "So that's what we're calling dwarves who walk Pomeranians now? Carnivals? I expected more from you, Gina." " Just stood on my front porch with my tiara on my head, without realizing it. I really AM a pretty, pretty princess! And a nerd." "Your face says no, but your purr says yes." "I felt really bad washing my hair with hand soap in front of my hair dresser. Like, I'd brushed my teeth with a chocolate bar in front of the dentist." "If an 18 year old compliments your outfit is that a good thing or a bad thing?" "I'll be Kanye West for Halloween & just before kids say Trick or Treat, I'll jump out of the bushes and yell Christmas is better!" " Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take-out from heaven." "I think its now standard issue for the Defense Attorney's office: If you're a woman its 'He...

So I've been in a funk of late. Not that cool, P-Funk kinda funk. I mean a funk. And I'm coming out of it. Which is so necessary. I know this happens to me every fall. And its so stupid because ski season is just kickin' into gear which is by far the best thing in this whole world. There is nothing I love more. Nothing. And I know ski season is coming, yet every fall, after the leaves are done, when the days are getting shorter and grayer, I just get Funky. For anywhere from 2-8 weeks I become my own personal pitty party event planner. I can spend hours in my head convincing myself that: I don't have friends, I'm fat, I'm getting old and ugly, I've failed in every professional endeavor I've ever pursued. And on and on. I'm an awesome mindfucker. But last week the fog started clearing from my brain. And the way I knew this was that I started dreaming of skiing. I dreamt about skiing Every. Single. Night. I can't ski yet. So I shopped i...

"When a mother has just given birth, is she crying because she is happy or because she knows all the pain and suffering her child will experience throughout its life?" "Shut up, you douche canoe. She's crying because her vagina hurts from GIVING BIRTH!" "Watching my dog chasing his tail's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life." "Does your dog have a tail." "No. He just has that little stubbin. That's why its so funny. He leaps and turns and its like watching a doggy tiltawhirl." "You went to Swedish camp?" "Yeah. They had other camps too. Like, German and French and Japanese camp. But not like internment camp. That'd be fucked up." "What I would like for my birthday: That the Red Hot Chili Peppers bring back the funk and stop singing songs about California. Can anybody help me with that?" "You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not ...

On Wednesdays I (sometimes) post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com So Wednesday Weirdos started out as being strange people but now it may have morphed into me just telling you fucked up stories I hear. At a school recently, the teachers were talking about crazy tattoos the parents of the students had come in with. They were all moaning about this woman who'd come in with a tattoo that read "Property of Ray" and was stamped on her forearm. The principal was quietly listening, waiting for her to top this story. She said, get this, she'd had a mother of a student come in for parent teacher conferences and show her a tattoo. Not just any tattoo, just any place. But a tattoo on the inside of her lower lip that read " DICK " with an arrow pointing inside her mouth . The mom explained that her husband's...

" I would like to blame my fatness on the Bush Administration" "Why you got to pry like that, Facebook? What's on MY mind you always want to know? Why do you care? Huh? Ass." "Well, I'm an old gold toof and I'll tell you the troof. I live in the mouth of a homie!" "White House says Nobel money goes to charity. ... So basically a socialist redistribution of wealth? Typical." "I am not interested in picking up crumbs of compassion thrown from the table of someone who considers himself my master. I want the full menu of rights." ~Bishop Desmond Tutu "I think when I come up and grab you and kiss you when you're topless, we've moved beyond flirting." ""Ain'tthat America" highlight of the day: Major news networks interruptcoverage of a presidential town hall meeting to show footage of anempty weather balloon floating over Colorado. For two hours." "new favorite insult = "douche c...

Just as a follow up to this post : You should watch this, cuz its awesome. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSfFa44p96o&feature=player_embedded

confeshun: I can't talk about the most emotionally meaningful things in my life because i feel like it cheapens them and makes them trite things that fit into words and sentences and phrases with pesky punctuation when feelings are ethereal beings that seem to wrap themselves around certain organs and regions of my tongue or ribs or uterus sometimes they itch and burn and squeeze and if I wrap my arms around Rob and bury my head in his shoulder and kiss his cheeks I just know its all ok that's with the good things The bad things I can write about. They're good to put into the shapes of things we know and hate in order to chew them up and let saliva and stomach acid take them apart and make them useful to something. I'm supposed to be 8 months pregnant . Instead, I started my period again. I was so sure I might be pregnant again. I even allowed myself to be happy about it. I felt like I'd be able to be patient this time, wait and see. You know, a calm happy. A...

For those of you who don't know, my dad's gay. When I was 14, days before beginning my freshman year of high school, my dad came out. We were all sitting in the basement of our house in St. Louis having a family discussion. You see, my dad was moving out. He was moving to Chicago and what my brother and I knew, was that my parents were divorcing. Things just weren't working out. We thought my mom was acting crazy. She frequently flew into rages which seemed unreasonable given the circumstances we were aware of. So my mom finally said "You have to talk to them." And to the basement we went. "A few years ago, when you're mother and I split up, I had an affair." "And it wasn't with a woman." It was the most unexpected thing he could have said. We were utterly stunned. No one said anything for an interminable series of moments. Tears streamed down my father's cheeks. Finally, he couldn't take the fear of us hating him an...

Yesterday in the parking lot of the grocery store I closed my door at the exact same time as another car. Do you think that's fate? Or maybe a sign? Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I'm just a piece of tickertape, part of the machine. And I can try and break out. I can die my hair pink or cuss up a storm. I can live on a platform at the top of a redwood tree, or camp out in an old mining shack. And if I could break out of the mold, the system, then I would just need to be strong in my broken places. Then, would things be right? There are so many places where there just isn't sense. A senator that doesn't get reelected because he's labelled unpatriotic. Did I mention he was in Vietnam and lost 3 of 4 limbs to a granade? And the guy he lost to? He avoided the draft. It was all very proper, deferrments and a trick knee. What is going on that this is what happens because of spin and media and pictures and sounds? But maybe its a lesson. Ther...

"Well I didn't want to walk in on your boobies" "thought my lesbian neighbor wanted to jump my bones in the laundry room. Turns out lesbians just really like pajama pants." "You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house." "The little engine that tried to do it but couldn’t and then later he found out that when he was born they weren’t sure if he was a train or a tractor so the doctor just made him into a train because that was easier but turns out? Totally a tractor." "The bible is the world's longest game of telephone." "I always try to see if I can get people to hold their breath through a tunnel. No one ever makes it through the Eisenhower Tunnel." "I wanna see if Michael Phelps can hold it through the Eisenhower Tunnel." " I wanna see if Michael Phelps can take a bong rip and hold it through th Eisenhower Tunnel....

This was in my fortune cookie last night: "You will win success in whatever you adopt." At first I thought it translated to: "Online translators give poor, literal translations." But now I know my destiny is to adopt a gorilla named Humphrey and that one day I will teach Humphrey to play "Man, Gun, Gorilla" (like rock paper scissors but physical. You stand back to back, count to three and turn around holding up your arms for gorilla, making a gun for duh, gun, and standing with your arms down for man. Gorilla kills man, man holds the gun, gun shoots the gorilla.) And I will win at this game because Humphrey will have to be the gorilla every time. Booo, ah ah ah!!!! Do not be confused, Humphrey, by the gorilla holding the gun. It is a ruse, like paper beating rock (which has always been illogical and stupid, unlike Man, Gun, Gorilla.) Sorry about your name, Humphrey. I tried to name you Hosiah, but Rob didn't like it. Blame him.

So I mentioned in this post that we got a dog. So I figure now I'll update you on his life. Cuz I'm sure you have nothing better to do that read about my dog. Firstly, he's named after Noam Chomsky but with a more dog-appropriate spelling. I talked Rob into getting a dog the same way I talked him into getting a cat: I cried and told him he could name it. Actually, this time I went one step further and agreed to buy a house to put it in. That's him. Wouldn't you cry too? Check him out here: He looks so astute, doesn't he? Well, don't be deceived. Wait till you hear this. This weekend I was in the backyard painting boards for shelving in the living room. Exciting, I know. I let ChompSki hang out in the back yard with me. Our yard is not fenced. We'd like to fence it, but we're sorta out of money from buying the damned house in the first place. So far, it hasn't mattered. So far, the dog (who spent the last who-knows-how-long living in...

You ever realize you just have a different perspective than other people? I was talking to Rob last night about my annoyance with my foot. (I just had a minor foot surgery that has made walking a right pain in the ass.) We'd been running errands in order to attempt to put up shelving in our living room and Target had been particularly grueling. Target is huge, especially so when you limp. I was passed on the way out by an ancient, white-haired woman with a cane. I'm not even making this up. She was all bent over and under 5 feet and everything. AND PASSED ME! Sometimes I cheer myself up mid-bitch. So as I was complaining, I started problem solving. "I think it'd be easier to bike than walk right now. I bet I could do it. Ooooh, maybe I could get a little tricycle and carry it around at work and everywhere and wouldn't that be fun?!" My husband just gave me a look and made some comment about how only I would think of using a tricycle for transportati...

I think I've hit my sexual peak. Know how I know? Cuz while watching Eddie Murphy's Delirious for the first time in like 20 years, I practically licked the screen. What the hell? In case you've forgotten Delirious, its standup with Eddie Murphy from 1983 . This is what he's wearing Tight. Red. Leather. Gross, right? I thought so too. At a minimum, its tacky and silly and should NOT make any straight woman my age think of sex. Then he turned around and I totally wanted to maow on his butt. Did I mention he's 22 in this video? Not only am I gross, but I'm also a perv aparently. And that's how you know: Sexual Peak. Welcome to 30. P.S. You should netflix it if you haven't seen Delirious in a while, cuz its funny. Really, really.

"Maddie just said "fuck." I asked her what it meant, and she said, "Fuck is when you hurt yourself, but you're okay!" "I have a friend who was born with an old school IUD sticking out of her head. I kid you not." "J completed the quiz " Which movie romance do you fit into? " with the result Jack + Ennix ." "Seriously??? Everyone else ends up as hot teenage vampires and I end up two gay cowboys??? I blame this on Texas!" "I'd rather be a treehugger than a mean mugger" "I always want a pile of cake. Although anything that sounded healthy... I left that off the plate. Tres Leches (three milks??) - waste of time (although, I tried it later and it was pretty good)." "Its like having a surprise party but forgetting to invite the people." "I'd like a cuckoo clock over my desk with a button I could push to make...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com There was a woman in the airport that had the most ridiculous outfit I've ever seen. She was built like Humpty Dumpty and had a sequined orange tent on with leggings and spray painted cinemon red hair. She was middle aged and I looked on anxiously awaiting her turning around. I expected full clown makeup because I was genuinely convinced she must've been a clown. But then she had a sullen annoyed face on with NO make up and that fucking crazy outfit. Unfortunately, my camera is still packed somewhere from moving so I got no picture. Its actually tragic. Cuz I wanted you all to see it.

"For those of you who got ripped a new one when your giant babies tore themselves out of your vaginas, you had it way worse and I respect that. I'm sorry your ladies got shredded like that. I hope you didn't end up with permanently blown out Frankencrotches." "I can spell haz anyway I want, you hear? I haz a master's degree!" "What’s your space suit for?" "Protecting me from space, Daddy!" "Ah, yes. That’s why I have a pressurized loin cloth." "Daddy, I don’t want to go to space for lunch any more." "ever get a sleep hangover? like you slept so much you need to sleep it off? That's what afternoons are like with the hum of air conditioning and dull monitors." "hey at least it does not involve vomit" "Oh my god, gross. Thanks for the reminder. Really, thanks Donlon. Hey, wanna play cornhole? I promise I'll even let you have a couple points." "Why do regulars at the 'brar...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com For those of you who don't know already, I work for Social Services mostly in child protection. As in any place, drugs are a huge issue for our work. And so we're constantly having clients do UAs to determine if they're using or not. They're typically placed on a color line and call a phone number daily to see if their color is up and if it is, they go piss in a cup. Its a little weird in generally, pissing in a cup, for any reason. But its especially weird to begin to associate non-yellow colors with pissing and furthermore with drug testing. But whatever, that's how the system works. Weirder still is the ways drug addicts come up with to get around these tests. I'm not talking potheads with their "cleanses." That shit's for amateurs with relative...

"I saw a squirrel running down the stairs with a cheeseburger. I thought of you." "Zombies are the bacon of pop culture. Whatever you put them in becomes better." "Sgt. L receives a call about a naked guy walking into a restaurant and putting ice in his butt." "article on the back of the Summit Daily today- 500 lbs man hid a 9mm in his flab. He made it through city and county jail searches without it being found. Since I had to experience that image just before lunch, I though you should have to too." "Fatty's be packin." "Your panties are like a unicorn to me. Put that in Friday Quotes." "Karin eating kitten heads. Does anyone even read this/check this site anymore? " "Do kitten heads have a lot of protein? lmao Im sure your mom's proud" "Sometimes its about the flavor, Nik" Poudre River(pronounced Pooter) Quotes "You can't complain about spending a hot day in a big wet spot on...

Each Wednesday I post an example of a strange person, or group of people that I've encountered, been told about, or read about. Guest submissions are welcome and can be sent to swedishskier@gmail.com One morning while camping over my birthday weekend I awoke to strange noises. "BANG! Clang, clang, clang!" as what sounded like aluminum bowls fell to the ground. Awake, cold, and with sore hips, I attempted to roll over and ignore it. Grunt, grunt, grunt, CLANG! *Timeout* You remember when you were a kid trying to go to sleep hearing your parents have a conversation outside your door. There was ONE volume of voice tone that made it impossible not to listen? It was just quiet enough that you had to stay quiet. And this made you stay quiet and listen no matter how boring the story of what mom was bringing to Sunday's church buffet was. Remember that? It was like that. *Time in* So I'm listening to this and the train of shit that I don't want to think abou...

So I tell stories in real life about my travels a lot cuz crazy shit happens to me when I travel. The trip with the most crazy shit to time spent ratio was to Chile in 2005. Like most of my big journeys, I went to Chile by myself. I was there for 2 months. People are always shocked at how much I travel by myself. Or that anyone would travel alone. Especially for extended periods of time. Especially to places where I don't speak the language. Especially being a cute blond. Especially when you're the person whose been known to travel without plans, reservations, a map, or knowing the language. But for me its the best way to go. You're the most open to meeting new people so you meet lots. You get plenty of alone thinking and writing time. You get to internalize your experience better. You get to do whatever YOU want. And mainly, the craziest and weirdest shit happens this way. My first two weeks in Chile were to be spent at a resort called Portillo. My profile ...

"What's up with the gallon bottle of chocolate syrup." "I mean fucking business, Dean." "Straight skis! Its so much better than gaper." "I love it that when I drunk-dial my parents, they don't know the difference." "Dude, you put your ovaries on TWITTER!?! Ah, if Heather's ovaries could tweet, they'd say "Get some!" Mine too really." "If you fuck a baby up, there's no amount of salt and butter that will fix it." "Anything having to do with using the corpse as a ventriloquist's dummy." "Is your daughter easier to get into than community college?" "moving on up, to the east side (karin...this is constantly in my head thanks to your cell phone ring)" On the sign out board at work: "Having a breakdown. Will be in Friday by noon after I clean up all the drool and foam."

So this is a little weak but I find leaving self-important messages annoying. I've called a number of people lately that have just bizarre things for their voicemail messages. Things like "3. 2. 1.. ACTION!!!" or go on and on about how the person probably won't call you back. "Leaving a message may or may not have any effect and cause me to actually call you back." or refer to themselves in the third person "You've reached the Prince of Darkness...." I might have to start leaving cryptic messages like this one Judith mentioned: "Hi, it's me again. I have nothing to say to you. I think I have...a wrong number, but if I just hung up you might see my number on your ID and call me and then I'd forget that I called you and not answer the phone because I wouldn't recognize the number. And then you might try me again and I would call you back wondering why you called me several times. So I hope you have a good day whoever you a...

You ever fuck up while driving and wish you had a "sorry dude" horn. I know what it would sound like. It'd say "wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah" And if you crashed it would do the 'wah, wah, waaaaaaaaaah" thing and then say "Game Over" across your dash board. I had a lot of time to think today. We hiked up a mountain only to get slightly ditched by our homies who had to go to work and two of us took turns carrying a Husky over our shoulders down the mountain. I'd have stolen that horn out of someone's car if they'd had it. Cuz it really kinda summed up the day. Did I mention the dog was wet? And dirty? And that a beer exploded in my backpack so I had beer dripping down my back? On the plus side, the hike looked like this: Ahhhh, sunshine. This is Teshen, the sweet tired dog. We caught a ride back pretty easily with a series of nice folks. Oh, and I got to glissade (its like how you barefoot waterski, only its sliding down a pitch...

"I wonder what a cactus fruit popsicle tastes like. And if there will be a cure for AIDS in my lifetime." "I also have concrete proof that the bermuda triangle is a parallelogram." "the circus? Really? I much prefer you as a social worker who falls off her bike when drunk. Now that's a show!" "We drank a lot of beers and played on the Wii Fit board." "You got Wiinebriated?" "Yeah! And if I get really good at it I'm gonna call myself a Wiinebriadore!" "I think that Carrot Top and Fergie are seeing the same facial rejuvenatory specialist. It's hard to tell the two of them apart sometimes lately. And Joan Rivers and Steven Tyler look like twin lizards. Twizards." "This is the kinda jukebox you can ride." "Just cuz I got a peace sign on my shirt don't mean I won't go to war." Birthday Quotes "happy birthday! Take it easy drinking and Wiiing. Or biking. ps I fell off my barsto...

I've been thinking about how I feel about having told everyone I was pregnant. When I think about it, I get this guilty awful feeling in my stomach. Like I'm an idiot for telling people before it was time. Like I lied about being pregnant. Like I'm a naughty little girl who bragged about something she didn't deserve and so its promise was taken away as some sort of lesson. But I didn't do anything wrong. I WAS pregnant. I took care of myself and it didn't work out. It happens to a lot of people. I mean A LOT of people. Who also didn't do anything wrong. And shouldn't have to feel like they did. It shouldn't have to be some dirty secret or a hidden guilt. Rob and I have been trying to buy a house and have put in offers, gone under contract, and had at least a half dozen prospects go south. I didn't feel like a tattle tale when I talked about those things before they actually happened. I don't feel the need to lie about interviewin...

I'm at a Children's Advocacy Center waiting to meet with a guy. We're sitting at this table and I'm doing a crossword when I overhear this man telling a story. A natural eavesdropper, I practiced my talent. So this guy, right? He hears all about how you can pick up prostitutes on Craigslist, right? Rather than just thinking "That's crazy," like the rest of us, and moving on, he's thinking "that's great." So he decides to look into it. He picks out this one chic on there. He checks day after day, week after week for months! To make sure this broad's legit, right? He's pretty convinced she's the real deal so he contacts her and sets up her services, if you will. He shows up and instead of getting laid, two guys show up, beat the shit outa him and rob him. The story doesn't end there, though. This guy! This guy gets in his car, drives all the way across the city and calls the cops. Yeah, I know you're thinkin...

I was at a meeting on Thursday where 3 awesome things happened. 1. There’s this dude on the committee who I always listen to and can’t put together what its reminding me of. Finally figured out he sounds EXACTLY like John Wayne. Its really, really funny when he starts a sentence with “Well.” Especially when what he says after the "well" is very unwaynelike. 2. A couple of guys from Buildings and Grounds saw us meeting and knew who every member of the group was. (We were sitting outside.) So he turned the ONE sprinkler on that he knew would hit us. 3. I found out that if you put a dead horse in the landfill compost, in 30 days all that’s left is its femur. In 60 days its gone. In other news it’s the last day of my 20s today. 20s, You’ve been fucking awesome. Thanks for all the crazy stories and important lessons.. You can keep your heinous hangovers. Thanx, Swedish Skier

"Well, what fresh hell is this now?" "Feeding infants vitamins is like buying pee. They might as well just pee money." "Watch out. You're going to raise this kid to be some gangsta rapper who's going to rap about peeing money on girls." "My four year old has a special name for her “private area” and somehow she decided it was called a “Tootie”. Being an avid watcher of Facts of Life, this disturbs me." "On a scale of 1 to 10, that sucks." "when I was little, I thought that mermaid vaginas were in their belly button." "Great. Hope you're happy. You're kids will be living in beds of yogurt cups." Audience Participation Quote "That's the most ridiculous voicemail message I've ever heard. She said _________________. Who leaves that?"

Rob and I have been in rare form this evening. He went out and took the top off the '89 4Runner so we could take it 4 wheeling on our camping trip this weekend. I've knocked him over twice on the bed. I forgot how much fun that silly habit is. Makes me giggle every time. He's found a new favorite way to amuse himself. He's been singing " I'm on a boat " while karate chopping himself in the throat in order to sound like T Pain. Never thought I'd be married to T Pain. Or cheated on with a mermaid? Where's her vagina exactly? Oh and Rob also told me that the cat's his soul mate when I asked him for ideas for another way to say "kindred spirits." He's got flippy floppies for our trip though. Thank goodness. Oh and I'm not 30 yet, but I will be soon. I'll post pics too.

So I wrote this poem and emailed a version of it to Gina , Judith , and Lora to play Team Poetry. The deal is: One person sends out an offering of a poem. Everyone gets to love it, snip a piece here, take a tangental line there, edit away and post their own version. We all link up and post same day and time. I can't wait to check out everyone else's. I call mine Scattered Mother used to worry my sister's yellow satin ribbon between her thumb and forefinger the pretty ribbons we'd worn that day I always imagine the accident its as real as a memory as if I hadn't gotten in trouble as if I hadn't been in time-out crying over lost ice cream as if I were there with her hovering above the blue-gray paint and glass shards met in such haste and her yellow ribbon butterflies from the window lingering in the air for ages in the wake of screeching steel it floats down like a feather in silence she IS me parallel she makes all the right choices where mine were wrong sh...

"I'm no good at self control. If I want food, or sex, or alcohol there has to be a really good reason why I can't have those things. Or I'm having those things!" "You cannot go from a tired, sad, introverted woman to a NUDIST! Who knew sunning her tits would make her happy!!?!" "You two girls probly shouldn't hang out unsupervised anymore." "Love you Karin... even though you should of stuffed a sock in my mouth to make me stop talking." "That blue water really cleans my hands, but it sure tastes like shit!" "I want to run for office. I wish I could." "You'd be good at it." "I cant because I work for the county. We're not allowed." "I thought you were gonna say it was because of the felonies." "fell off my bike and scraped most of the flesh off of the heals of my palms. can still type but holding a bar of soap is another story. Thank goodness for Rob" "Fell...

Last night I had a long talk with an old friend. Apparently her parents or more specifically her mother has gone through drastic changes recently. Her mother has struggled with health problems more than half this girl's life: weight & diabetes, both unregulated. So I guess recently her mom went into the hospital and long story short, they discovered she did not have diabetes and was improperly medicated. As in she'd been taking Lithium for like 10 years too long and didn't have any issues which would require Lithium. So her mom got properly medicated and since has gotten out of the recliner and started taking care of herself and doing all kinds of things. Her mom now shops at Old Navy where she can wear a size 8 and goes to baseball games regularly and on and on. Her mom has DRASTICALLY changed and for the better. Now this is all well and wonderful even. But its weird for my friend. Cuz see for like half this girl's life, her mom has been an unhappy, unhealt...