Wrap your head with this material...

I promise I will post Wednesdays' Weirdos again next week, but the pictures for this week got trapped on my camera with a dead battery. Sorry. I suck. Instead I'll tell you a drinking story. We were in St. Louis visiting for the holidays and a rare opportunity to get annihilated with my girlfriends presented itself. I started out with two beers while I was waiting for the girls with Rob's friends. Then, when we got to the fancy-pants bar I switched to whiskey on the rocks. I'm at sea level so I think I can drink like a champ. Hmmm. After about three of these and I-don't-remember-how-many shots, I switched back to beer. Damn, I'm bright. At some point in the evening I realize that we're in a bar that used to be my favorite bar in the whole world. It was called Tangerine then. They had Go Go dancers on the bar and let you climb on it and had hand shaped chairs so your butt got held. They had trucker night where you got your drinks in mugs. They ha...

Most of my airport impulses are mildly violent. Things like tipping over peoples' baggage while they're standing too close to me, or nudging them into the railing of the moving sidewalk as they speed along, or wanting to whack the flight attendant with my purse when she tells me it isn't far enough under the seat in front of me. But sometimes I have silly impulses too. I was in the bathroom and overheard this woman talking with her family. A younger relative was asking why she wasn't going to the bathroom. "I have to stand here with our suitcases. You go ahead." came her response. My Impulse *swinging door open in one swoop and covering my face with a cape* " I'll watch your luggage!" Booo-ah-ah-ah Thank goodness for impulse control. For those who didn't realize I have any, I do. Ha.

"When I got my DUI, there was a guy in my trunk. And my license was in the trunk too." "Okay, so I got the pregnancy test and the vodka. We'll see which one wins." "You want some of my snowcone?... its ridin' dirty..." "I am French. I drink peeeeeee. I eat babies." “You mean I just put my mouth on your cockpump?” “You got egg nog on my nutmeg. I’m not sure what it means, but I want it to mean something. It should mean something dirty.” "I wish it were a lamp that would glow electric sex in my front window, so that the crackwhore who walks around our neighborhood with her little 12-year-old kid who insists he’s collecting money for the “school basketball team” would see something besides the other end of my double barreled shotgun when she comes a knockin’ at 11pm tonight." "You know what? Sometimes you've got to catch a few venereal diseases to find true love. " (tosses pistachio into tumbler of whiskey) "Ha! ...

I can't sleep My mind won't Sshhhhhh... It flits from problem to solution thoughts' corpses pile up ideas dismissed and dead to-do lists and inspirations alike layered, litter the same p i l e . Some flicker so shortly they're hardly formed before miscarried away. The best poems' lines d r i f t by in invisible ink. They float off to dreams to die, beautiful thoughts stolen away. The night nabs it all Takes my broken to-do list and why do I not shake its hand? when I wake to a blank day, why am I not grateful when the clock crows "Merry Christmas" and the phone rings says "I fixed your list! It just needed some fleshing out and more time." Instead, I stuff the pillow over my head and look for the snooze button.

Yeah Presents!!! Merry Playing Why yes, yes I am a fantastic wife. Feliz Navidad AND HAPPY SKIING!! (Aren't those the baddest ass, most sexiest skis you've ever SEEN!!!!) Look how bad they want to be on my feet. Yes, I am a snowtard.

I'm just getting back from Adult Protection Services training. I do not have the attention span to sit still for more than about 8 minutes, unless I am reading a novel, playing the piano (wait that's not still,) or writing (also not sitting still.) Ok, so I can read, but that's it. Instead I made pipe cleaner imaginary animals with the lady sitting next to me and thought of names for them. This is Bjorn. This is Romulus, his trusty steed. Sadly, Bjorn's head was too big and heavy for him to ride Romulus. So we made him Steve. Steve is strong for his frame and has wings. I tuned back in for a minute while we were discussion what to do with Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith is losing his appetite and is also losing weight as a result. His wife passed away 5 years ago and his social life has suffered. We were to come up with services. "Our group wanted to get him meals on wheels." "Maybe you could get him one meal a day at the senior center." "But what if...

There was a wind storm that knocked a 40 foot tree into our deck, taking down parts of the deck and gutters. It also took out the tomato plant we'd nursed through many summer frostings, carefully bringing it in at night, damnit. But that's beside the point. To do the work on our place, this guy, Rusty, borrowed our key. Then he lost it. He was sure he'd put it back, but hadn't. Then a couple of weeks after talking with our neighbor Tom about it, this note appeared on our counter along with our key. (Here you go Rob, (and Mrs. Rob) It's just your key, but it looks like a present.) It felt a little like a present too. It was way more exciting that just picking up our key from under the mat.

When I was around 6, my cousin told me that whenever you smell something, it's tiny particles of that thing floating into your nostrils. So when you smell poop, or even farts, its actually poo particles floating into your nose. I was pooping on the toilet at the time. First I plugged my nose. But then I was breathing through my mouth. Ahhhh!!!! Shit in my mouth!!!! I closed my mouth. I tried to hold my breath. Turning blue, I lifted my nightgown to cover my mouth and nose and breath. I panted a little. Then she said the particles are so small they can get through your nightgown. So then for about 10 years I tried to hold my breath every time while going for a world's record in fastest crapper so it wouldn't get in my nose or my mouth. Heaven forbid, she bring up this minutia while we're baking brownies. Twat.

Fermented fallacies in vibrant yellows a girl in pretty ruffles barely chirps a songbird caught in mechanical cogs turns to squawking, words lost songs/languages, dyed and tinted Verbs full of hues a deaf ear rues A linguist's careful calculations pour volcanic lava explanations geologist's calcitration And somehow the seeds all die and the notes have spoken "Resurrect the warbler" but the song's a lie.

"If I ran Disney World I’d make all the restaurants fill their hamburgers with glitter so later you’d actually poop glitter and it would be a magical surprise." "You look funny with a beard cuz you're a lady." "Maybe I could work for the circus. Or better yet, I could be Mrs. Santa's bearded sister." "The next morning I groaned, “I feel like I stuffed a trash can up my vagina."" "As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission." "Maybe god put all the feces in their house." "Vision! What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn you upside down, tear assunder your illusions and send the sanctuary of your own vision crashing down around you. Now ask yourself, do you really want that?" "But it was Boooorrriiinng. You just blah blah, gay sex, blah blah c...

When I was in Denver last for training I went for a run and past by a house that defies description. There were so many lawn ornaments that I had to stop and stare. I came up with a whole elaborate scheme to go back and take multiple pictures. "I'm an exchange student and I've never seen decorations in the garden before. Where did you buy these?" click, click Unfortunately, I got too busy to make it back. I can tell you there was a large glowing nativity scene, a deer, and lining the driveway were hens, ducks, and other plastic lawn birds. There was little space on the lawn between over-sized, crappy figurines to allow anything to grow, making them this week's Wednsdays' Weirdo: Excessive Lawn Ornament Landscaper. Sadly, no water features. Yet. Know a weirdo near you story. Please share. Guest postings welcome. Email me at swedishskier@gmail.com

Friday Quotes! The best I've heard, seen, read, uttered, or overheard. "My brother peed in my mother's fireplace. The electric one." "Oil? What kind of oil? Cockoil? I think we might have some cockoil in the house" "You know what? When I went to put my ski boots on this morning I found condoms in there. I thought it was snow." "Its like I hold all the cold deep in the tissues of my butt and only let it out if I absolutely have to." "people get their panties in a bunch because you may have possibly called God an imaginary friend for adults under you breath at their baby’s Christening." On church sign: "Staying in bed shouting, 'oh god' does not constitute going to church."

Last night as we were getting ready for bed, Rob came in beating his chest. He was clearly feeling very manly. "Listen to this. No listen to this." bangs on chest, "They're like drum heads." I stick out my chin, try to make my neck disappear, and beat on my chest too. "You're drum heads have mufflers on them."

Need I even type something?

On Wednesday morning I went running. I was running in a new place which always makes my awareness a bit heightened: cars, strange folks, trouble to make. By 7:00, the number of warming up, running cars had quadrupled and I could hardly control the urge to move the cars. Not steal, just change their spots. Here's my vision: The whole of suburbia stepping out in their pea coats and briefcases to meet their commute, only wait a second... "I could have sworn I started the car in the driveway. I'm going crazy. Well that's odd. Cuz now its at the end of the driveway. Why would I park at the end of the driveway? I must be going crazy." "Good morning Dr. Klein!" Dr. Klein is scratching her head looking at her Accord parked in front of Mr. Miller's. It'd be like that annoying "little boxes" intro to Weeds, only askew and confused. Ha! I'd love it. I'd just felt my impulse control wane and was peering into a Sentra, thinking o...

Ever been in a hotel and thought, "Where the fuck did they get this crap?" when you looked at the art. Yeah, I thought so. I wonder if that's the big perk that comes with being a hotel exec. You get to pick shitty art. Or maybe you end up boning a hot artist under the premise of using his/her art in your hotel. Who knows? Regardless, that brings us to this week's Wednesday's Weirdos. The Hotel Art Buyer, Photographer, and Framer who collaborated on this project found in a Wolf Creek vacation condo-- The MixMaster! Mmmmm raw egg and Top Ramen... whisk me away!

Things that make me happy Speed Metal eating all my purple Skittles. (What can I say, I'm a grapist.) New Skis in general but right now the new K2 Hellbents... sexy, sexy bitches Kelly calling me a "snowtard" Kurt using my book on his facebook update Things that suck Going to Denver for training when there's snow here Packing Flies Cavities Things that strangely make me think of sex Sexual Harassment training Shaun of the Dead Detachable shower heads (ok that's not really strange) Steve Martin Things that make me never want to have sex again Two girls, one cup (if you have to ask... just trust me and don't) Jack Black without a shirt on Danny DeVito Vaginal Contraceptive Film *shudder*

"Jesus, are you trying to fuck her or set her on fire?" "Sometimes they take too much batting practice and they leave their leg in the net." (whispering) "I don't want a Mormon to cut my hair." "I hate those metal core dudes with their eye liner and shaggy hair and tight jeans doing stupid kung fu kicks in the pit." "What do you get when you cross Sir Elton John with a saber toothed tiger?" "I don't know, but you better keep it away from my ass." "small kids who swear are my kryptonite" "Why is it coming up with pictures of women when I put in 'chest hair' and 'gold chains'?" "There's a lot of assclownery afoot." "They have a great brunch over at the AssClownery." Linnea Quote *singing* "Idea... I have an idea. I have an idea." "What's your idea?" "I'm singing until it comes."

Women's Restrooms nearly always have these signs. Which immediately make me want to dump tampons, applicators, coffee mugs, matchbox cars, rubber tree leaves, plastic tree ornaments, lawn decorations, EVERYTHING I can find into the fucking toilet and flush. Something about the ignorance of these signs brings out the oppositional asshole in me. Seriously, you need to put a SIGN up to tell someone not to put a DIAPER in the toilet? If you need a fucking sign for that, do you know how to read?

Friday Quotes: The Game. Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can. There will be awards for most correct, funniest guess, and dirtiest lie. 1. "I'd really like to see Michael Jackson leap from the 10 meter platform, and get judged on how well he grabs his crotch before he hits the water at 25 mph, and breaks 14 bones in his pretend face." 2. "More on this turmoil as I make it up." 3. "My favorite part of the henna experience is how your hair smells like, to use a British term, 'fag ends' for a week. Fag ends and teabags." 4. Status update-"...thinks some women have accessory babies just so they can be MILFs." 5. “After Daddy kissed Snow White on the cheek, she awoke from the evil Queen’s spell, completed her education, and began her m...

I love foreign language. Its a fun game for my brain. Thing is when I play games, I play for fun. So here's some fun that's happened whilst I've studied and made an ass out of myself in several languages. 1. Today in Spanish we sang and translated the lyrics to La Cucaracha La cucaracha, la cucaracha Ya no puede caminar Porque no tiene, porque le falta Marihuana que fumar. Translation: The cockroach, the cockroach Can't walk anymore Because it doesn't have, because it's lacking Marijuana to smoke Ss-s-Spare-a-juana? 2. In Chile when I first began studying Spanish, we were given a worksheet for homework. Each number gave a noun and a verb. Your job was to take them and make a sentence. Number 19 said, colon, descubrir. Meaning, Columbus, discover. Having never heard Christopher Columbus referred to by his ACTUal name, I looked up the uncapitalized colon. It said colon. My response to the question: Si tu buscas el colon, una doctora descubre el bajo de ...

1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'." Jon Stewart 2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day." Meghann's friend 3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.” Random chick in DU's bathroom 4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?" Billy Bob Thorton in Bad Santa 5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.” Heather 6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.” Karin 7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or liquored up Izze.” Brianne 8. "You’re such a special flavor of dork." Karin 9. "Cheers to boozie Izze" Brianne 10. "Booty fuck Wildernest?" Heather 11. "I'm planning on throwing myself a surprise 30th birthday party, and when everyone arrives, I'll say 'surprise!' Oooh, maybe I could tell...

So I met a kindred spirit who also lives to annoy: Brianne's brother Justin. He spent the evening, Saturday night, hugging her with a shit-eating grin of sinister intent. Her response: "Don't touch me." A wise one since he, apparently, is prone to picking her up over his shoulder and holding her over the balcony. Might I mention they're both close to thirty. Justin and I swapped a few methods. He shows up at her house at 8 am to poop in her bathroom. I plug my husband's nose as he's trying to brush his teeth. Then later, I find out what Justin's big, shiny, red button is. Brianne and Brad (her husband) were out to dinner one night and Brad mentioned something about sex. Justin immediately threw a fist full of spaghetti in Brad's face. Don't worry, I was not deterred. Me, "Wait, Justin... Isn't your mom all super open about sex? Isn't she the one that gave Brad and Brianne all kinds of sex toy stuff for an anniversary p...

Introducing *drumroll please* Friday Quotes: The Game Apparently people play this game in their heads when they read this anyway so here's your chance to make it interactive. Guess who said each quote. You can post your answers in the comments. The person with the most correct answers gets.... the joy of being right. What? I don't paid for this blog, so you'll have to find self satisfaction wherever you can. Let the Games Begin! 1. "She's so dumb she thinks 'soy milk' is Spanish for 'I am milk'." 2. "Yeah... I didn't sit next to him on spaghetti day." 3. “Its just like when you don’t think about something, you know, and then you think about something.” 4. "What, you're my fucking mom? What, you shat me out of your womb?" 5. “I just had all of this emotion, and it burst forth from my face.” 6. “Chances are if you're reading it and you think its Heath, its probably Heath.” 7. “He drinks whiskey, or Izze, or l...

Sometimes I read a site called The Beautiful Kind. Its a sexual blog written by a friend's sister. The blog is very well done, and the subject matter, for me, alternates between a train wreck and masturbation content. I never know what's going to be on there. This last week was fetish week. Now I HATE feet. I joke that I hate feet so much that I grew this tall to get away from my own. So I read this week often with a tinge of fear I might find details about applesauce covered toes or pudding on someone's soles. In the face of my fears I read on. Instead of toe jerky though, along came a fetish you just couldn't make up. Leg casts. Yup, TBK interviewed a guy with a leg cast fetish. I'll say that again, a Leg. Cast. Fetish. Earning him this weeks' Wednesday's Weirdo: Leg Cast Affectionado For more info, head to her website. There's a link above.

When I woke up en la manana I found this news The beloved Animosity Party did not make headlines! Then I fell over in my tracks when I found this "gop" party had. Why would a party that rhymes with cop and sounds like a toddler noise make news when the powerful Animosity Party did not? Did you see all those signs? And not a single Escalante '08! Further incensed I decided to eat in effigy the man who'd defeated me! I realize that I must concede. We must be one nation united under this Obama. We'll be an Obamanation for the next four years, I concede. But I will keep an eye on it. And in four years, when the country again comes together to vote on gay rights and savings accounts for school districts, I will eat the eyeballs of anyone who does not vote Escalante 2012! Good luck Mr. Obama. If the Great Escalante has anything to say about it, there will be an Animated Animosity Annulment to your plans in 2012!

Think its fun to annoy your husband, wife, boyfriend, girl friend, partner... who am I leaving out? ... whatever. Running out of ideas? This works especially if your significant other has younger siblings. Take your index finger and wipe it across basically any part of them. They will immediately think of bastard-little-brother wiping a booger on them and freak. Also pushing them over on the bed when they're folding laundry or licking your hand and saying "Oh no, The CLAW" are good activities. Can you tell I'm a younger sister? What's wrong with me that I think this is so amusing? I might mention I started the day today with Rob dancing around elbows out singing through a kazoo at me. Also in trying to figure out if I should write bugger or booger, I determined the difference. Bugger can be used like "aw did you see that cute little bugger?" or it also means to sodomize. I guess I knew that but never quite put it together that way. So you're d...

"Wow. Now I want to get an applesauce enema, shove chopsticks under my toenails, and kick a wall. Unless this post and all the comments are a joke?" "My dick is so hot its stolen, your dick look like Gary Coleman" "Who will teach the disabled to shoot guns if not you, Heath?" "I'm actually wondering if there is a way to have dirty talk without cursing. Let's run through a few test cases: "Oh, your manliness is so manly." "Smack my rump." "Your aeriola are as large as dinner plates." I'm hot already." "When dressing to travel by air, it's helpful to think of yourself as a mental patient." "Karin? Wait is that the pooh girl?" "You have really good parenting skills, especially considering you don't have any kids of your own, you know? I thought I'd give you an actual compliment instead of all those back handed ones I usually give you and then hear about later from someo...

So last night when they called the election, the bar did not have champagne. The bar tender told me that he'd let me bring some in from the liquor store though. So off I went and bought as much cheap champagne as we could carry. We popped the cork outside and I passed the bottle to strangers and friends alike. One woman got a snotty look on her face and said "I am NOT for Obama. We're going to have more buildings blown up now..." me "Well Fuck you with a big blue dick then!" mumbling now "maybe you'll relax then." from background "Hope is stronger than fear!"

The news leaks first and then pours the tears are in everyones' eyes and screams of triumph in the streets and we are not a race but a country as the white flakes last on my lashes and drip down my cheeks loved ones call who used to say "bi racial children will be picked on" they were right and now one has the power to defend to protect to lead.

I received a voicemail from my brother today informing me that my niece, the absolutely gorgeous 2 year old Ms. Linnea was walking around the house with a pot lid on her chest saying, "Look at me! I've got big nipples!"

Fuck the real world. I smite you. Fuck the cat walking on the center of my boob in the middle of the night. Fuck political ads and their bullshit dramatic, breathy voices. Fuck pro and anti ballot initiative ads that have NO actual useful information in them. Stop wasting money you fucks! Fuck gray afternoons that result in NO snow for my ski season. That's right I just called it MY ski season. Fuck not being able to check my email at work Fuck drug testing Fuck drug addicts Fuck the lumping of all drugs, all drug users, and all drug addicts into one horrible scary evil category. Fuck periods. Fuck parents that hit their kids. Fuck even harder, the fact that some of them don't hit them hard enough to allow us to help. What kinda fucked up...grrrr Fuck turn signals, just cuz. Fuck Sarah Palin, in a very uncomfortable place. Fuck Main Street Dickslap Wallstreet Fuck socialism for the rich and capitalism for everyone else. Fuck anyone who thought privatizing social security wa...

Over the past weekend we had some friends over to celebrate Rob's birthday. I'm not sure how the topic of Rob's fear of aliens came up... (He gets really scared if he watches those alien watch shows late at night and I think its hilarious and might tell people about it a little too often.) Which led to the question: What would you do if an alien walked through the door right now? Now I had been drinking a wee bit at this point and earlier we'd had a talk about capturing and eating rodents, so it might have had something to do with my response. "I mean, if its nice you'd want you know snuggle it or whatever... (thinking) but I've never tasted alien before. I might want to feed it milk and cereal for a week and try out the delicacy. You know, it might be the tastiest thing you've ever eaten. Who knows what it would taste like?" A certain female guests looked at me horrified as her husband said, "Chicken. It might just taste like chicken....

Your voice, like leaves blowing, reminds me of raked piles and falling. It hurts now that I'm older, what's underneath the hard ground with its knobs of roots and bones rotting my hurt feelings. Maybe in spring your voice will turn lilting and something different will bloom. But for now, I'll let the worms eat your words for you.

"We have a holiday in canada called antelope day. Its on every 23rd of october and its where we celibrate the antelope. we are grateful that the antelopes allowed our pilgrims to sell there pelts and meat to start our economy back in 1895 and every year we praise them by drinking and partying and wearing antlers on our heads." "You ever get so bored driving on a road like this that you want to pass yourself?" "You just can't run a country like a whorehouse." "By the dangling testes of Christ on the cross!" "They're teaching sex ed in school. But he wasn't understanding what "menstruation" was, so I told him it was like throwing a party, and you put up decorations and make a cake, but no one shows up so you tear it all down and throw it away. And that premature ejaculation is when everyone shows up to the party two hours too early while you're still getting ready." "Only a pussyboy who sits to pee during...

Awwww, isn't he cute there with meowmix, both of 'em all tired from NOT folding the laundry.

My good friend's husband had his iPod stolen out of his car last week. It was not the first time this has happened to him. It wasn't the second time either. It was the third. Most rational people now say, "Why doesn't he stop leaving his iPods in the car?" This is not our Baby Monitor Vigilante's attitude though. Oh no. He has plotted an elaborate plan that involves planting baby monitors throughout the parking lot in order to catch the culprits, and I do not exaggerate (this time), kill them! He sat down and attempted to pull his wife into his contrivances. But she declined. This did not deter him however, and he plots on to this day, the deaths of the iPod thief making him this week's Wednesday Weirdo: The Baby Monitor Vigilante Estraordinaire. Have a stranger than stranger story? Email it to me swedishskier@gmail.com! It just might make Wednesdays' Weirdos.

"You’re like a Post it Note Assassin." "I kinda like getting rejected. It gives me something to drink at." "I'm gonna be the cat lady, all old and alone. Only I hate cats, so I'll be worse than the cat lady. I'll be the cat lady with no cats." "I've been arrested tons of times and I've never had a bad experience." "You know who is a real maverick? A cat who can flush a toilet. That's loaded w/ maverickness." "The best thing ever in the world... its theoretical. You know, cuz there's no money in Startrek. Whoopie Goldberg worked in a bar, and she talked to folks, served em drinks. But there was never any money." "okay, I've been into the whiskey... listening not listenong! whatever. download the shit." "Yo, it don't matter if you fucked 5,000 girls! You suck a cock once, you a cock-sucker fo' life!" "Geez karin, why are you so frickin ethical all the time. W...

I sit across the table your long lashes mirror mine in a police interrogation room long dainty fingers nervously fidget about the secrets I ask they could be mine I can't tell which side of the table I'm on the glass is more than one way breath constricted by choking hands "I just want her to get help" words soaked up by foam covered bricks "freak outs" pulling in two directions as your head breaks through a wall Bravery sits in that chair though and will get up and move forward with life just as I did

In honor of her 30th birthday (and the fact that I'm a shitty friend because I forgot to do anything better than a blog) I will dedicate this blog to fun things about PPP. The first time I met PPP it was at a coffee house in St. Louis. She was still married and telling a group of people about bending her then husband over the back of the couch and fucking him in the ass with a dildo. She's 4'11", he was 6'something ridiculous. Later when he turned out to be a complete fuck, I comforted myself with the thought that at least she'd shown him his place at one time or another. PPP throws herself at the world. It is possibly her most endearing quality. At a skate park once I saw her relentlessly run up the side of a quarter pipe five or six times trying to get to the top. She'd run up the side, then slide down it on her stomach unable to get to the top, then do it over again. She had strawberries galore covering the insides of her arms and stomach which sh...

Last weekend while visiting friends, we discovered in the blue 'booklet' (the guide book that comes in the mail for all the ballot initiatives etc.) that there was a list of all the third parties. In addition to the usual Green parties and Libertarians, there was also the Heartquake 08 party. WTF? This led us to designing our own parites. The first party to gain notariety (its already got members on Facebook which makes it legit right?) is the Awareness party . We debated the merrits of various mascots. The owl? Nah, too Hooters. We finally settled on the Marmot. Although I thought the Gopher from this video might have been better, at least more dramatic. Then we came up with slogans. "For a better Aware-ica." "Becoming more Aware-ica." "Building Aware-ica." The problem is that a political party is no fun without a rival party. So what is the rival to the Awareness party? The Intuition Party. It was difficult to choose a mascot for thi...

"Just cuz you can do the robot to it, does not make it a good song." "It smells like soy factory crossed with pig." "Why do I have to be starting trouble? What, you see boobies and just automatically think trouble?" "Yes." "I really hope the Broncos are winning this debate." "Karin is a big poopy pants." "And for all you Joe Sixpacks out there playing drinking games, Maverick." "I have a friend who gave up on leather." "Its like trying to nail jello to the wall." "I think the straight talk express lost a wheel back there." "I'm gonna take that $5000 a year across state lines and buy fireworks with it." "The best current offer is from a fun-loving scrubby-looking group of guys called "The Taliban": on the table is four cows, six virgins and 500 free hours on AOL."

After I passed the test of the one called Linnea's: "Tumbling Class," I dedicated the rest of my captivity at the Mitchell/Johnson household to learning about their forms of entertainment. El Tobagan Gigante! The Teeter Toddler I was disappointed to find this does not have anything to do with toppling a Toddler. Que Lastima! Never would I have believed a tiny 'girl' would get away with pushing the Great Escalante, but it was muy Fun! Me gusta talking basura (trash) on XBox And my FAVORITE, the BASS! The Pointiness of the Great Escalante's Teeth triumph again!

This week's Wednesday Weirdo comes from my training in Denver. She was a caseworker from another county in Colorado with a special look and skills to go with it. In the first minutes of the class each person wrote down a skill/talent/interesting fact. Hers was that she'd been in a band and written copywritten music. She had that 80's brushed-out-curly hair look with wings. Only here's the kicker, while she had drastically bleach-blonde hair, the sidewings had two dark brown spiral curl temple streaks. It was like spiral wormy ribbons sprouting from her temples. She wasn't just any Social Services Caseworker, she was a Case ROCKER!

Karin tried to call it a hiatus, but I was kidnapped by the one they call Linnea. She forced me through a set of trials she called "tumbling class." First she made me walk the plank Once I got the hang of it, I really liked it. She tried to get me down though, so I bit her. Then she made me watch from the sidelines while she jumped on the trampoline. Then I discovered pinche Esteban from bendejoslandia. You did not doubt the great pointiness of the Great Escalante's teeth in battle did you? I triumphed and became the lord of the rings I rode the Pommel Horse off into the Sunset

Which one? Ninjas or nazis? Piece of old pizza wrapped in a wal-mart bag. It either has olives or mold on it...I can't tell. I think it bit me. "The world is a cruel place where kindness festoons in small pustules where cruelty has trapped it." -klm "Beer and kitten- what more could you want?" "It was really scary. I like kinda peed in my pants a little almost." "He used to come and flirt with me all the time. He was like 60" "Well, it won't be long till you got his money..." "There's a girl I work with and she's got a problem I don't like to hear about." "I'm guessing it has to do with the queefa." "On a small scale I enable my sister to be an asshole at all times." "I try not to worry what other people think too much but I feel kinda funny looking through the women's parts at the thrift store." "I don't want to hear about anything that makes me think about...

SSS "I'm going to apologize in advance for my shitty mood. I've been a raging bitch all day. I really don't know why." PPP "It could have something to do with having a headache for 3 days straight." SSS "4. And yeah, that might have something to do with it." That was the beginning of my phone conversation with one of my dearest friends back in St. Louis. Pretty Physiological Pixie gets her name in that she studies anatomy and physiology with a rigor unmatched by any but the most geeky ivy of leagers. Plus she's a deceptively darling little thing, a little pixi ish even. But watch out, she's feisty! Later in the conversation she updated me on her dating of late. Conversation: PPP "I kinda like a guy who's actually somewhat appropriate for once." SSS "Oh yeah?" PPP "Yeah well, he's kind of a drunk. I saw him back into the same car twice one night leaving the bar but..." SSS "You know th...

While watching the potentially hilarious debates tonight I suggest we all drink when: 1. Biden smiles broadly 2. Palin says "back in Alaaaahhhska" (I do a pretty good Palin for the record) 3. Anytime lipstick or pigs are mentioned 4. Anytime Biden's eternity in the Senate is mentioned (see also Chair of the Foreign Relations Committee) 5. Anytime Palin says something unfollowable. Feel free to add your own rules! I know I'm looking forward to it all!

You may have noticed last time's Friday Quotes had A LOT of queefing references. That is because of this week's Wednesdays' Weirdo: Mean LaQueefa. Mean LaQueefa is a gal I know who is not mean so much as she just has that snotty mean look on her face a lot. You know the look from SNL's TriDelta skit where Melanie Hutsell said "those earrings, like, make your whole head you sparkle" That snotty look. She also, apparently, has a queefing problem. During a recent "boot camp" workout, she made a "juicy farting noise" and when one of the participants gave her a surprised look, she said, "What? It doesn't smell. I have a queefing problem. I can't help it." What?!!?!?!?!! She apparently queefs quite often and is willing to explain that it was not a fart. Which leads to all kinds of questions. We spent an entire evening cracking up discussing them. I'll let you think about them now on your own.

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E.E. Cummings "It is dark and there are roaches that try to rape me as I sleep." "Yeah go on with your big engine. (waves cars on to pass) Go forth and pollute!" "She's got a public queefing problem. Its cool though, she owns it. I mean she OWNS it. Its happened in meetings and people think she farted, but she lets them know, its a queefing problem." "queef a bubble v: to queef a bubble or get upset similar to twisting your panties or throwing a fit aka: q a b " Obesrve the following excerpt from Flandsa Hasasanba's work: "The turnip (Brassica rapa var. rapa) is a root vegetable commonly grown in temperate climates worldwide for its white, bulbou...

I decided to start a new strand called Wednesday Weirdos. This can be people I've encountered or just people I've heard about. So if you have a Wednesday Weirdo for nominating, by all means... lemme know This time I'll highlight Gay Spock. Gay Spock is a mallrat at the Cherry Creek Mall in Denver, a rather swank joint. He is exactly what he sounds like. He looks like: Only with stylish metro clothes and frosty pink lipstick, oh and minus the ears. But that could be fixed. I learned about him from my fuckin hilarious brother who had worked out the following proposition he wants to approach him with (not like that, that's my dad asshole): "I have a role in an upcoming Sci Fi Comedy I'd like you to audition for. Actually I need you to do it, I kind of wrote the role for you." Gay Spock walks with purpose and is no stranger to fashion, and his serious head on stare lets you know he means business Mister. If Big Brother gets him to audition, have no fe...

Playing marbles at the bottom of the pool where there's no ripples or bubbles to distract from the thickness of melting into our ghost selves you in your pinstripes and I in my sunhat we're dressed up for halloween every day even down here I win every time You pout and I offer you palm trees and the seas but you just say "everyone hates sharing when they're honest except orgasms." so I let you shoot my cat's eye and we laugh and play again.

I started a job working at Social Services as a Child Protection Case worker. Before I can do much as a caseworker there's an asston of training beginning with the most hideously boring computer based training in the world. It must've been designed by atari in 1986, blech. I'd rather play pong with a drill attached to my head that bores holes in every time I miss a shot. Trepining? Sign me up! Seriously, there are lessons and objectives you have to pass within the objectives. Some questions are mindless about cultural sensitivity and crap I've been doing since graduating from high school. While others have trick questions trying to trick you into caring about the difference between a state statute on risk assessment and a federal law regarding safety assessment. Ha! I still don't fucking care! And I got a 95% on that blipity objective. However, two interesting things have popped up in the course of my training. The first was in the training on Domestic Vi...

Reposted from my friend Bri's blog. And thank you for reminding us.

"Hercules and Testicles eventually became bitter rivals, and Hercules often beat Testicles severely. Finally one day Hercules beat Testicles so badly, Testicles shrank off into obscurity forever." "I need a pseudonym for you for my blog. What about Ski Blunder?" *Leers* "What? See its funny cuz it rhymes with Boy Wonder!" "You know what we need ...a logo pretty soon, huh? Perhaps a snappy tag line as well? A theme song? And yes, a bluegrass version of the theme song? A new line of clothing? A microbrew beer named after us (MIA IPA)? A series of graphic novels to eventually be made into a movie? A documentary followed by a mockumentary?" "You and your sad broccoli can kiss my ass." "Is it enough?" "It'll have to be enough." "I don't need your disaster movie ultimatums." "You're just like my mom. You try to make me eat my broccoli and throw pens in my eyes." "I wish it were a lam...

My what a large dock you have... Hmmm, mmm, mm it certainly is. You just plug in your iPecker... I mean iPod and Rock out with your iCock out.

One morning last week as I was driving Rob to work, I noticed a bookshelf on the side of the road. For some reason all week someone had been leaving various items of furniture at the end of our street, (which butts up to Main Street right before the highway.) That day it was a tall, perfectly good bookshelf. Since we read constantly and Rob buys most of his books, I said we should pick it up. (We have piles of books all over the place and boxes in closets and the attic.) Rob hrmphed at my suggestion and I didn't think much more about it. UNTIL, I picked him up that afternoon. He arrived at the car with a pile of particle boards he unceremoniously plopped into the back of the Subaru. He explained that a bookshelf at work had broken and his coworker only wanted the recovered, and perfectly fine, bottom half. So he was bringing the top half home for US to use. What. "So you're going to take the shitty, broken, particle board shelves, which have to be rebuilt, over the...

I spent some time with the great Battle Cats Juno and Bleaker on Friday. Yes they look cute and cuddly, but I watched and saw the truth from those bendejos. They have moves. Like the thumbless headlock The pointed tooth head bite The paw secured bitch slap The combined pointed tooth head bite paw secured bitch slap But Battle Cats are no match for The Great Escalante! Even with help, they could not help but jump back in fear of my teeth and their awesome pointiness. I looked into the evil one's eyes, and kicked his Bleaker ass. But then the one they call Linnea got involved. She tricked me into the bathtub with promises of easy prey. And then punished me Ahhhh the horror! Human young seem to have more defenses in water than I had predicted. Maybe that's why they left them on display in the lazy river at Waterworld... I think I may have discovered the hidden human plot to destroy The Great Escalante! You will never take me alive!!!!!!!! Click here to rate this post Hum...